I was in my account today paying some medical bills and came across my list of beneficiaries and of course Steve was still listed as my beneficiary. I called them to find out what I needed to do. The guy that I talked to was really nice and said first of all that he was sorry to hear that my husband had passed away. And that yes, I could just click delete if he was no longer going to have access to my account as a beneficiary. So with tears in my eyes, I clicked delete and added my children instead.
Wednesday, July 3, 2019
Everything I look at and read says that there is no rule book for grieving. There are no rules on how long you should grieve. How you should grieve. How you will go through any or all of the stages of grief. How to cope with everyone else around you going through their own grief without a rulebook. How to be a widow. How to be a single parent. How to be alone. How to express your feelings.
I think there aren't rules so that when you are grieving you can feel okay. No one knows what you're going through. No one knows what you feel. No one knows if you're upset or if you're living in a moment of joy because it changes from minute to minute, hour by hour, and day by day and is different for each person.
It's been a little over 18 months and I feel like I'm finally coping. I'm feeling joy more than sadness. I'm figuring out who I am maybe more than I ever have. I'm trying to focus on the strength that I'm gaining by being on this journey where there are no rules, no time frames, no rights or wrongs.
I'm trying to not put judgment on myself.
It's all part of God's plan for me to be who I am and if that changes from day to day then that has to be accepted too. It doesn't matter if what I'm doing is right for everyone else, it only matters if it's right for me. That's hard for me to trust that statement. It's hard for me to believe in myself when for so long I believed it myself because of who I was with and the roles I was in.
I'm doing things, thinking things, and praying for things that I never have before. And it's okay because there is no book of rules, there are no guidelines and there is no time frame. There is only love and hope.
Love of the memories. Love of who I was and who I am. Love of and for others. Love without judgement.
Hope in the trust of God. Hope for the future. Hope for all to be at peace. Hope for acceptance and understanding.