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Sunday, August 18, 2019

Jealousy and anger

As I experience other couples going through divorces or celebrating anniversaries, it makes me angry. Angry that I do not get any more anniversaries related to our marriage. Feeling that Steve dying is really unfair when we had an amazing marriage and relationship with each other. Jealous that other people get to be with their spouse everyday. Anger at those that are not making it work and are going through divorce when I would do just about anything to have him back here with me. Our marriage was not perfect all the time, but we made it work. We loved and respected each other and our marriage and so we put forth the effort that needed to be there so that we could be happy and in love with each other. I know not everyone's marriage is like ours was and that there are situations that the marriage needs to end. I am not angry with either of the people but upset that they are not able to make it work when I'm no longer given the chance.

And I'm happy for those that are celebrating anniversaries especially the milestones. When I went back and watched our wedding video, the priest said that he hoped that we would be standing in the same spot in 50 years renewing our vows. I really thought we would. Even if Steve felt like his grandpa who once said that he said his vows once, he meant them, and he didn't need to say them again.

Sometimes I have to walk away when I am at a store or a restaurant and I see a couple obviously out on a date and holding hands or hugging and kissing. I'm happy for them, but it still hurts.

I hope enough people saw the marriage we had and can use it as an example. I hope my boys know how hard we worked to make sure that our marriage was strong. I hope they know that our faith was a huge part of our relationship and marriage. I hope that they can find a relationship like Steve and I had. And I pray I'm around to witness the weddings and the marriages even though it will be hard without Steve by my side. I know he's always watching over us.

Tuesday, August 6, 2019

Dream

This afternoon I lied down to take a nap and had the most vivid dream. I felt someone move onto the bed and when I looked it was Steve. I asked him if this was a dream and he said no, that he had been in Alaska. I didn't even know what to think, if I should believe that it was him or if it was a dream.
Then we were out in our living room and our kids were there with his parents and some guy that had brought him from the airport. My son's dog was in the dream and I was wearing the same dress that I'm wearing now.
I was really angry at him for knowing that we were all grieving and yet so excited to see him and have him be alive.

Saturday, August 3, 2019

Alone

As I'm learning to be without Steve and as my boys are changing and growing, I'm finding that I need a lot of time to myself. This is really weird because I'm usually such a people person. I like to be busy and be around others. But over the last couple months, I'm finding that I need time to just be me, whoever that is. I'm struggling with figuring this all out and I know others around me are too. Sometimes it's hard to navigate when everybody is in their own place on this journey of grief and has different needs.

I think when you're married and appearance of young children you're needed a lot more and so you are busy and around others.
Now that I'm not being a partner, I use that time to be alone.
Now that my boys are all teenagers and not involved in sports and groups I'm using that time to be alone also.

I do fear that sometimes I'm neglecting things that I've always done but I'm learning how make the change in myself as the world around me is changing.