Thank You

I went to the bank today with Brian and were talking about finances and really thinking about how I'm only where I am because of how much Steve did with planning in our budgeting and because of his death. I've been thinking a lot about him as we approach the 5-year mark on Monday.

Thank you Steve. Thank you for making sure we were all set. Thank you for teaching me to budget to spend what we've got and to save for future expenses and the unexpected. Thank you for always loving and being supportive of me. Thanks for being my amazing partner. I miss you. I love you. Thanks for being okay with me moving forward. I know you've always wanted me to be happy and Chris makes me happy. He's so loving allows me to grieve and share about my life with you. I know you believe so strongly in marriage and I thought I did too but I want to be with Chris until death do us part but because he's unsure about marriage, it's not on the table right now and I'm okay with that. Thank you for teaching me to love and accept myself. Thank you for protecting me and always being there for a hug. Thank you for always being around now and watching over all of us. I feel your presence and love. Please don't ever stop loving me.

Chris, I love you so much and I'm so happy you said yes to learning to pick agates. Thank you for letting me take my time to move forward in our relationship and for being so supportive. Thank you for letting me talk about Steve and our marriage. Thanks for letting me be a mom when that's who I need to be. Thank you for wanting a future with me. Thank you for finding me attractive and for accepting me for who I am. You've always said we each have a past and I'm so happy that my past has allowed me to be with you. I love you and want to be your partner for the rest of your life or mine. I accept that I might become a widow again. I accepted our lives will be what is meant to be. I believe God has a plan and it was for me to be Steve's wife first and then to be with you. I love you and I always will. 

bring it up

I was talking with a friend today and she asked if she could tell me something. She told me that she was working on some paperwork and came across Steve's name. She thought she was going to have to delete the information and felt weird about it but realized she could just uncheck his name. She wasn't sure she should have brought up the story or not. I'm really glad she did share it. We then talked about other memories and funny stories that we share. I personally think that anytime you think of somebody that's passed away especially if it's been awhile you should let the person that's still alive know that you're thinking about both of them. 

retirement is possible

I have decided to retire in June after 25 years of being in education and many people have questioned how it's possible at my age to be able to even do it. I explained that many things had to fall perfectly into place for this to be possible and one of those things was the fact that we had life insurance and a plan for our future. Because I was able to collect full pension for Steve and then will be able to receive mine and the fact that my debt ratio is very low will allow me to take advantage of retiring at a young age. 

Some of these things like retirement turn out to be the silver linings of having to lose him.

you did it once

I was talking with my youngest today about a comment my daughter-in-law made a few days ago. She told me how proud of me she was for moving forward and dating again and how she wasn't sure if she was to become a widow if she could do it. His response to this was something like, you got through it once so you know you can do it again. 

I feel deep down that I will again be a widow. I treasure the time I do have with Chris because I know it any moment it can end. But the love that we share makes whatever time we have together absolutely worth it.

Is it sometimes hard to hope that we'll make it 25 years when I didn't get that with Steve? Yes! But without hope and love, what do we have?

25th anniversary

Struggle this morning already thinking about tomorrow. June 28th is our wedding anniversary and tomorrow would be 25 years. We talked about making it that far and possibly going to Hawaii for a honeymoon because we really didn't have one when we got married.

Spent a lot of time thinking about Steve this morning and then when I went to donate blood, "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" song came on followed by one by Bob Seger. I know Steve was just saying hello because there's no reason to play "The wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" other than in November on the anniversary of it sinking and Bob Seger was one of his favorite artists. 

My aunt messaged me yesterday telling me that she was having a difficult time with this week too. We find it interesting that we are the only members of our family to be widows and our anniversary for our weddings is the same date. She said goodbye to my uncle on their 40th wedding anniversary 7 years ago. They got married the year that Steve and I were born. 

We both feel very blessed to have a connection with each other even though the journey can be hard. 

"evergone"

Well getting ready this morning I had the radio on and they said that it was a new song. I don't feel that I often connect the first time I hear a song but today I did. It's called "evergone" by Christina Perri.

I love the part where she talks about making a space in your heart. This is a concept I've always believed in. Just because someone is gone doesn't mean they're removed from your heart or because you love someone new that they take the place of someone. I think your heart just keeps growing and each person has their space. 

Here are the lyrics: 

Thoughts of you bring me back
To times I thought we'd always have
Who knew the world could spin so fast?
I didn't
I write letters to you in my head
Things we did and the things we said
Today I heard someone say your name again

In your hopes and dreams
In your memories
In the songs we sing
In the ones we leave
We carry on
Where no one is ever gone
No one is ever gone
No one is ever gone
In your hopes and dreams
In your memories
No one is ever gone

I think about a better place
And learn to live with the heartache
Between the nights and days that wash away
And every time I think of you
I feel you in the things I do
With every step, you're in my every breath

In your hopes and dreams
In your memories
In the songs we sing
In the ones we leave
We carry on
Where no one is ever gone
No one is ever gone
No one is ever gone
In your hopes and dreams
In your memories
No one is ever gone

I don't wanna keep going on without you
Grow around the pain if I have to
So I make a space inside my heart
Where no one is ever gone

In your hopes and dreams
In your memories
In the songs we sing
In the ones we leave
We carry on
Where no one is ever gone

In your hopes and dreams
In your memories (no one is ever gone)
In the songs we sing
In the ones we leave
We carry on
But no one is ever gone
No one is ever gone
No one is ever gone
In your hopes and dreams
In your memories
No one is ever gone

Thoughts of you bring me back
To times I thought we'd always have
Who knew the world could spin so fast?
I didn't

Source: LyricFind

"a stranger in the lifeboat"

I just finished reading a novel by Mitch Albom called the stranger in the lifeboat. One part really connected with me. (Page 241-242 in the hardcover edition 2021.) 

The character who says they are the Lord says, quote "When someone passes, Benjamin, people always ask why did God take them? A better question would be why did God give them to us? What did we do to deserve their love, their joy, the Sweet moments we shared? Didn't you have such happy moments with Annabelle?...Those moments are a gift. But their end is not a punishment. I am never cruel Benjamin. I know you before you are born. I know you after you die. My plans for you are not to find by this world. Beginnings and endings are earthly ideas. I go on. And because I go on, you go on with me. Feeling lost is part of why you were on earth. Through it, you appreciate the brief gift of human existence, and you learn to cherish the world I created for you. But the human form is not permanent. It was never meant to be. That gift belongs to the soul. I know the tears you shed Benjamin. When people leave this earth, their loved ones always weep., But I promise you those who leave do not."

I really agree with his thoughts about death and about how we as humans on Earth feel. Understanding that we, as humans, are not permanently going to be here but that our souls go on, gives me strength to continue.

Ghost

I have heard the new song, "Ghost" by Justin Bieber, at least once a day for the past week or so. I know it's coming on so that I can still process my grief.

It starts off by saying, "Youngblood thinks there's always tomorrow" and then "I need more time but time can't be borrowed". I don't just think it's the youngbloods that feel that we always get tomorrow. A lot of times I forget that we don't always get tomorrow too. And I do sometimes wish that I could have more time. I think about what I would do or say if I could even have a few more moments. I'm not sure we ever talked about more than the financial piece if one of us was to pass away. I don't think we talked about decisions with the kids or being in another relationship. 

The next part about not having you here and settling for the ghost is what I've been feeling a lot lately. I know that Steve is watching over me and that that's never going to end regardless of what decisions I make. But it truly is settling. You don't get a choice. I'm just glad that he continues to visit me and let me know that his love hasn't ended.

When Steve first died, I did think about following him, but not until it was my time. I knew I was still supposed to be living; that many people still needed me; that my life did have a purpose that I had not fulfilled yet. I miss him and I miss him being at important events but I don't miss him more than the life I have. I know I meant to be living without him because it has made me stronger, more independent and able to make more decisions that are right for me and for the boys.

I wrote the first part of this and then left for work. I started my playlist and the second or third song came on was "Say You Won't Let Go" by James Arthur.  This is the song I consider our song with Chris.  It hit me hard that the part I always share with Chris in that song is "Just say you won't let go, I wanna live with you, Even when we're ghosts". 

Realizing this I just said, "okay universe" I get it. I can love both people and want to be with them forever. Thank you God for bringing two amazing men into my life that love me and support me!

Here are the lyrics for both songs: 

 "Ghost" by Justin Bieber

Youngblood thinks there's always tomorrow

I miss your touch on nights when I'm hollow

I know you crossed a bridge that I can't follow

Since the love that you left is all that I get

I want you to know

That if I can't be close to you

I'll settle for the ghost of you

I miss you more than life (more than life)

And if you can't be next to me

Your memory is ecstasy

I miss you more than life

I miss you more than life

Youngblood thinks there's always tomorrow (woo)

I need more time but time can't be borrowed

I'd leave it all behind if I could follow

Since the love that you left is all that I get

I want you to know

That if I can't be close to you

I'll settle for the ghost of you

I miss you more than life (more than life), yeah

And if you can't be next to me

Your memory is ecstasy (oh)

I miss you more than life

I miss you more than life

Whoa

Na, na-na

More than life

Oh

So if I can't get close to you

I'll settle for the ghost of you

But I miss you more than life

And if you can't be next to me

Your memory is ecstasy

I miss you more than life

I miss you more than life

Source: LyricFind

"Say You Won't Let Go" byJames Arthur

I met you in the dark, you lit me up
You made me feel as though I was enough
We danced the night away, we drank too much
I held your hair back when
You were throwing up

Then you smiled over your shoulder
For a minute, I was stone-cold sober
I pulled you closer to my chest
And you asked me to stay over
I said, I already told ya
I think that you should get some rest

I knew I loved you then
But you'd never know
'Cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go
I know I needed you
But I never showed
But I wanna stay with you until we're grey and old
Just say you won't let go
Just say you won't let go

I'll wake you up with some breakfast in bed
I'll bring you coffee with a kiss on your head
And I'll take the kids to school
Wave them goodbye
And I'll thank my lucky stars for that night

When you looked over your shoulder
For a minute, I forget that I'm older
I wanna dance with you right now
Oh, and you look as beautiful as ever
And I swear that everyday you'll get better
You make me feel this way somehow

I'm so in love with you
And I hope you know
Darling, your love is more than worth its weight in gold
We've come so far, my dear
Look how we've grown
And I wanna stay with you until we're grey and old
Just say you won't let go
Just say you won't let go

I wanna live with you
Even when we're ghosts
'Cause you were always there for me when I needed you most

I'm gonna love you 'til
My lungs give out
I promise 'til death we part like in our vows
So I wrote this song for you, now everybody knows
That it's just you and me 'til we're grey and old
Just say you won't let go
Just say you won't let go

Just say you won't let go
Oh, just say you won't let go

Source: LyricFind

Sharing Memories

 A friend today told me found a quarter on her chair when she stood up yesterday. I told her that Steve had probably left it there. She asked why and I told her about how many he has left for me and in some of the places. She said it made sense for me to get them but she wasn't sure why he would leave her one. But then she said she was talking to her daughter about a memory of him. 

She shared a time that we played cards and were trying to learn to play Euchre and how confusing the jacks were. That was also the night that he asked the rest of us if our cards smelled like green apple. We all said no.  Come to find out it was the scent of the soap in the bathroom and he had washed his hands so it wasn't the cards after all. 

Anyway, the point is, I love hearing stories and bringing up memories of Steve. Sometimes they make me sad but it's nice to know that others think of him and miss him too. Please continue to share memories with others of people we have lost so we all know they are never forgotten. 

Emilie and Steve

I attended a conference and two of the lead presenters were named Emily and Steve. The other presenter kept saying things like, "if you need more information reach out to Emily and Steve", "Emily and Steve will be sharing resources with you", "Thank you to Steve and Emily for arranging this", etc. 

It's been a long time since I have heard that.

Brought me a smile and a little sadness. 

I commented to a co-worker about it and she said that it had already been two years. I corrected her and said that it was four in December. She said how hard it was to believe. I agree that some days, yes, and other days it seems like last week. 

Time is a funny thing.