Saturday, May 25, 2019

Second year

Everybody told me if its second year was worse than the first year and I don't know if it's worse, but it's really different.

I think it's a first-year you're numb and you're going through so much stuff with the paperwork, the financial part, making decisions about what to do with clothes and body wash in the shower and how it's going to be.

And then the second year starts and you've made it through all of the holidays and the paperwork for the most part is over and a lot of their stuff is gone and you have to figure out who you are without them. I think that's what makes it hard is that your identity is questioned.

I've always been a wife and now that I'm not a wife in person, only in spirit, I have to figure out who I am as myself.

I know I will always be a mom but that's changing too has my kids grow up and start to do things on their own and not need me as much everyday.

Changing jobs was a really good thing for me over this past year but that is changed my identity also.

I know this is all part of God's plan and that he put me here to be a wife, to be a mom and I am still going to be those things, but I need to figure out what else I am. I need to know who I am as a person. Everything I've gone through for my entire life has formed me into who I am today. Being a daughter and a granddaughter, then being a girlfriend and eventually a wife and then becoming a mom and a teacher is all a part of me and that will never go away. I am still all of those things and that's not going to change. What is changing is how I see myself.

Steve was always the one that would talk to me about how I was beautiful and smart and a great mom. I can't hear him say those things anymore and I guess I just need to learn how to believe them for myself. I know I have support of my boys, my family, all of my friends, my co-workers and people in my parish, but it's not the same.

I am learning how to be who I am and finding how to do that without letting go of the past and worrying too much of the future. I am learning to think for myself and to believe in myself, but I didn't get here overnight and I don't think I'm going to find myself overnight.

Saturday, May 18, 2019

Different not better or worse

I was watching a TV show tonight and these two lines hit me hard:

"It's not better, just different."

"The more I fall for you, the more I feel I'm letting her go."

I worry that things are changing and are going to be so different and that the more I change, the more I might have to let him go. I don't want to let him go, but I don't know how to move forward without leaving some of him behind. Leaving someone who I was behind.

Being with someone for 25 years, from the time you're 16 on, changes you into someone different. Being without that person for 17 months changes you in to someone different. Not better or worse, just different.

Thursday, May 16, 2019

Burial again

I guess I never realized how many anniversaries or dates were tied to death. I think you'll always have the "it's been however many months or years since you died". And now I'm realizing that you have the "it's been one year since we buried you" and "it's been one year since this happened" and now "it's the second time we're doing this without you". I don't think any of these dates make it anymore real. It's still really hard to believe but it's been one year since we buried his body and almost a year-and-a-half since he left the Earth.

Tuesday, May 14, 2019

The second year

Many people told me at the funeral and the couple months after that how the second year is harder than the first year. I'm beginning to believe this. I think it's because it's not as new any more. You're trying to find whatever your new reality is. You're celebrated all of the firsts and made it through and now you're realizing that all of the seconds are going to happen and you're not as busy or not as numb. Life has just continued on. And somedays seem that way and realizing that makes the day harder and other times that's the hope you get. Is that you too can continue to move forward and create the life you were meant to live.

Friday, May 3, 2019

Widows Day

I guess I missed it last year. May 3rd is considered widows day. I'm not even sure what that means to make a holiday about something that you're not happy about. I guess it's to connect with other people that are going through the same thing you are. I saw a statistic today that said there are 800,000 new widows a year and 700,000 of them are women.

Minneapolis

In Minneapolis for a concert. I'm remembering the time that Steve and I came here for our anniversary and stayed at a hotel for the weekend then went to a Detroit Tigers baseball game.
So thankful for all the memories I have of our time together.

Tuesday, April 23, 2019

Transfer station

On Saturday I went throughout the house and collected different things for garbage and loaded up the truck and headed to the transfer station. I hate going to the transfer station. It's organized chaos and I don't feel comfortable backing up the truck yet. The whole while I'm there and thinking I wish that Steve was still here to do this. As I was leaving our song came on on the radio.

Friday, April 19, 2019

16 months or 27 years

It's been 16 months today since Steve left this Earth. But tomorrow is the 27th anniversary of the first day he asked me out. I'm choosing to focus on that instead because I know God worked that day having me pullover and him to ask me to the movie. I am so thankful I said yes and that we had all of these years together.

Monday, March 18, 2019

Asking for help

Although I'm not sure I asked for it I was offered help and accepted it. My doctor suggested that in order to help my kids heal I need to make sure that I'm healing as well. I'm going to start a couple new things that he recommended and see if that helps. We're looking at starting some new things after spring break as far as getting the boys to go to school and to do things around the house, ect too.

Asking for help is never been a strength of mine even though I know it's a strength in other people. I've always kind of thought I could keep things together and do it on my own but now I realize that I wasn't ever doing it on my own. I always had Steve there to help me, to give me advice and to listen. He was one of the only people I could ask for help. Now that he's gone I need to realize that I do need people in my life and that is not a weakness to need help and to ask for and to accept it.

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

Calling home

I'm at a conference this week. And as we were leaving lunch a whole bunch of people said that they were going to go and call their spouses while they had a few minutes before the next session started. It's little things like that that make grief really hard. I'm not mad at them or upset with them. It just makes me feel lonely.

Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Fixing my truck

We bought a truck in 2015 from a dealership about a hundred miles from home. Because it's under warranty we've had all the work done at the same place. We used to make a weekend out of it. The two of us would come down, sit at the shop, go out to dinner and spend the night in a local hotel.

I noticed that my muffler was making noise and since I was coming to the town with the dealership anyway, I made an appointment for the truck to be looked at and to have an oil change.

After I waited for awhile, the mechanic came out and asked me for my address. That's all it took for me to be in tears. I don't want to be responsible for vehicles. I don't want to be here without Steve. The account used to be in his name and I assume when I switched it, they lost some of the information.

Then a girl came out and was talking to me and she told me that she had been one of Steve's students. She said he was the most gentle person that she ever met. She was the mechanic that did my oil change.

Then when I got in my truck to leave the dealership, "Love of a Lifetime", our song, came on the radio.

Thanks for being with me tonight Steve.

I love and miss you.