visible changes

In the last few weeks I decided that I needed my bathroom to be a little more like a retreat or a mini spa. I already owned white bath towels, but I purchased white hand towels and a white soap dispenser to go on the white counter. I removed the blue bath mat and carpet and replaced those with white. I cleaned some stuff off of the floor and some ended up in the garbage, but Steve's body wash still needed to be kept for whatever reason and so it went in the cabinet.

I was telling a friend about this and she pointed out how huge this was.

Other than changing the shower curtain I really hadn't done much in this bathroom since Steve passed away. Redecorating a room doesn't seem like a big deal, but it does when this is the space that he passed away in.

I did it without any grief. The body wash was a small short-lived little trigger, but mostly a smile of the memory of the smell. 

I didn't do it to remove his memory from the space I did it to bring myself a little more joy.

It's been 6 years without any real changes that were visible to anyone else that would have come to my bedroom/bathroom area. 

Within the first year, I took his clothes out of the closet and a dresser. It took a while to be able to do that. I started using the master bathroom instead of our other bathroom because it was just me getting ready in the morning. I started using fleece sheets which he would have hated.

But so far this year I have redecorated the bathroom. I have created ia space on "his side" of the room for me to do yoga, prayer, journaling, coloring and chakra dance. I moved and set up a work/business space where his table had been in our office. Visible changes. 

Little changes that are bringing me joy. I'm making the space a little more mine and a little less us and it's okay! 

Remembering my grandpa

During a myofascial release yesterday, my left knee felt off and when a little bit of pressure was applied to it, I broke down and started sobbing.

I could feel grief over losing my grandpa and that happened almost 24 years ago. And at the time I don't feel like his death was tragic or a trauma in my life because he had lived a full life and had had a heart attack and had a stroke and wasn't living the lifestyle he wanted to be living anymore. I felt like I grieved the loss of him because he was a huge part of my life and my childhood and my upbringing. It was a huge loss for my entire family. I was pregnant and fairly new in my marriage and living my life and having a teaching career and all of those pieces were falling into place. He had gotten to be at my wedding, but he didn't get to see my son be born.

It's curious that it's coming back up now. Lots of things over the last 6 weeks have related to my grandpa. When I am meditating, I end up at feeling like I am in the middle of Smith's field, which is property he owned. 

I keep thinking about blueberries and thimbleberries, which are things that I picked with either him or my grandma. He used an old sheds peanut butter bucket tied with an old sheet around his waist like a belt. 

I am remembering the sound of the lawn mower when he'd be out at the edge of the road and I'd be baking or making something in the camp when I was little. 

Someone was talking about the length of people's stride and how that can be affected by your emotions and your attitude. My grandpa always had a super long stride and he walked as if he was proud and he was happy and I believe he was. I always thought his stride was long because of how tall he was and it was sometimes a struggle to keep up with him when my legs were tiny. I have memories of walking down the beach all the way down to the creek and him putting me on his shoulders to carry me back because my little legs couldn't go anymore. 

The color green keeps appearing in my life in lots of conversations and in things I'm aware of. I'm now remembering that he wrote a lot of his financial information in a notebook with a green cover. I know that there's something there to teach me about finances and making money and accepting that part of who I am as a business owner.

My grandpa got up early everyday and in the summer started a fire and in the winter shovel the driveway. He would make poached eggs and toast. He'd head out golfing if it was a weekday. He often spent the afternoons mowing grass or picking berries or both. He off it ended the evening with a swim in the lake or financial TV show.

He taught me to love your wife, to love your children, to love your grandchildren. He taught me that you can be successful owning your own business. He taught me to collect omars. He showed me how to pick the blueberries and wild raspberries. He taught me to love frozen Milky Ways and Hershey's with almonds. 

To this day I can't put a gallon of milk on the table without thinking about him and how dirty the bottom of that gallon is. I also think about stacking dishes because he would comment that now you have to wash the backs and I'm never really sure if he was serious or not. 

I could picture his thick white hair it is huge comforting hands. He also had a huge heart it was always supporting his community and his family.

I miss you Grandpa!