Monday, January 30, 2023

Preparation

13 years ago one of my very good friends passed away. We were a month apart in age and had been friends since middle school. Her second child and my oldest child were only a month apart. Her husband and my husband were great friends too. We often got together for dinner and for birthdays. 

I know exactly where I was when I got the call from her dad saying that she did not wake up from a nap. It made death such a reality and led to so many conversations between me and Steve about what we would do if it was one of us that died suddenly. I think her death really prepared me to grieve and accept and move forward with Steve's death.  It also let us to have some conversations about expectations revolving around grief.

Her husband was able to move forward and has now been married for many years. I think he was criticized by many people for moving forward in a time frame that they thought was too quick. But as I've learned and experienced, there are absolutely no rules or timelines in both grieving and moving forward. 

You can still love someone and be in love with someone else. You can grieve the loss of their part of your life and also make new memories with someone new.

Thursday, December 15, 2022

Thank You

I went to the bank today with Brian and were talking about finances and really thinking about how I'm only where I am because of how much Steve did with planning in our budgeting and because of his death. I've been thinking a lot about him as we approach the 5-year mark on Monday.

Thank you Steve. Thank you for making sure we were all set. Thank you for teaching me to budget to spend what we've got and to save for future expenses and the unexpected. Thank you for always loving and being supportive of me. Thanks for being my amazing partner. I miss you. I love you. Thanks for being okay with me moving forward. I know you've always wanted me to be happy and Chris makes me happy. He's so loving allows me to grieve and share about my life with you. I know you believe so strongly in marriage and I thought I did too but I want to be with Chris until death do us part but because he's unsure about marriage, it's not on the table right now and I'm okay with that. Thank you for teaching me to love and accept myself. Thank you for protecting me and always being there for a hug. Thank you for always being around now and watching over all of us. I feel your presence and love. Please don't ever stop loving me.

Chris, I love you so much and I'm so happy you said yes to learning to pick agates. Thank you for letting me take my time to move forward in our relationship and for being so supportive. Thank you for letting me talk about Steve and our marriage. Thanks for letting me be a mom when that's who I need to be. Thank you for wanting a future with me. Thank you for finding me attractive and for accepting me for who I am. You've always said we each have a past and I'm so happy that my past has allowed me to be with you. I love you and want to be your partner for the rest of your life or mine. I accept that I might become a widow again. I accepted our lives will be what is meant to be. I believe God has a plan and it was for me to be Steve's wife first and then to be with you. I love you and I always will. 

Monday, October 10, 2022

bring it up

I was talking with a friend today and she asked if she could tell me something. She told me that she was working on some paperwork and came across Steve's name. She thought she was going to have to delete the information and felt weird about it but realized she could just uncheck his name. She wasn't sure she should have brought up the story or not. I'm really glad she did share it. We then talked about other memories and funny stories that we share. I personally think that anytime you think of somebody that's passed away especially if it's been awhile you should let the person that's still alive know that you're thinking about both of them. 

retirement is possible

I have decided to retire in June after 25 years of being in education and many people have questioned how it's possible at my age to be able to even do it. I explained that many things had to fall perfectly into place for this to be possible and one of those things was the fact that we had life insurance and a plan for our future. Because I was able to collect full pension for Steve and then will be able to receive mine and the fact that my debt ratio is very low will allow me to take advantage of retiring at a young age. 

Some of these things like retirement turn out to be the silver linings of having to lose him.

Monday, July 11, 2022

you did it once

I was talking with my youngest today about a comment my daughter-in-law made a few days ago. She told me how proud of me she was for moving forward and dating again and how she wasn't sure if she was to become a widow if she could do it. His response to this was something like, you got through it once so you know you can do it again. 

I feel deep down that I will again be a widow. I treasure the time I do have with Chris because I know it any moment it can end. But the love that we share makes whatever time we have together absolutely worth it.

Is it sometimes hard to hope that we'll make it 25 years when I didn't get that with Steve? Yes! But without hope and love, what do we have?


Monday, June 27, 2022

25th anniversary

Struggle this morning already thinking about tomorrow. June 28th is our wedding anniversary and tomorrow would be 25 years. We talked about making it that far and possibly going to Hawaii for a honeymoon because we really didn't have one when we got married.

Spent a lot of time thinking about Steve this morning and then when I went to donate blood, "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" song came on followed by one by Bob Seger. I know Steve was just saying hello because there's no reason to play "The wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" other than in November on the anniversary of it sinking and Bob Seger was one of his favorite artists. 

My aunt messaged me yesterday telling me that she was having a difficult time with this week too. We find it interesting that we are the only members of our family to be widows and our anniversary for our weddings is the same date. She said goodbye to my uncle on their 40th wedding anniversary 7 years ago. They got married the year that Steve and I were born. 

We both feel very blessed to have a connection with each other even though the journey can be hard. 

Wednesday, June 15, 2022

"evergone"

Well getting ready this morning I had the radio on and they said that it was a new song. I don't feel that I often connect the first time I hear a song but today I did. It's called "evergone" by Christina Perri.

I love the part where she talks about making a space in your heart. This is a concept I've always believed in. Just because someone is gone doesn't mean they're removed from your heart or because you love someone new that they take the place of someone. I think your heart just keeps growing and each person has their space. 

Here are the lyrics: 

Thoughts of you bring me back
To times I thought we'd always have
Who knew the world could spin so fast?
I didn't
I write letters to you in my head
Things we did and the things we said
Today I heard someone say your name again
In your hopes and dreams
In your memories
In the songs we sing
In the ones we leave
We carry on
Where no one is ever gone
No one is ever gone
No one is ever gone
In your hopes and dreams
In your memories
No one is ever gone
I think about a better place
And learn to live with the heartache
Between the nights and days that wash away
And every time I think of you
I feel you in the things I do
With every step, you're in my every breath
In your hopes and dreams
In your memories
In the songs we sing
In the ones we leave
We carry on
Where no one is ever gone
No one is ever gone
No one is ever gone
In your hopes and dreams
In your memories
No one is ever gone
I don't wanna keep going on without you
Grow around the pain if I have to
So I make a space inside my heart
Where no one is ever gone
In your hopes and dreams
In your memories
In the songs we sing
In the ones we leave
We carry on
Where no one is ever gone
In your hopes and dreams
In your memories (no one is ever gone)
In the songs we sing
In the ones we leave
We carry on
But no one is ever gone
No one is ever gone
No one is ever gone
In your hopes and dreams
In your memories
No one is ever gone
Thoughts of you bring me back
To times I thought we'd always have
Who knew the world could spin so fast?
I didn't
Source: LyricFind