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Sunday, March 22, 2020

Published my story

As of today, a paperback and e-book version of my story is available on Amazon.

It is called, "it's okay to be okay; finding joy through grief" by Emilie Lancour. Right now it can be found by searching for either my name or the subtitle.

Here is the description of the book:

After unexpectedly losing my husband, I journaled to connect with my faith and to understand why God allowed this to happen. We had been married for over twenty years and were raising three teenage boys together. I wasn't sure how to get up daily; how to grieve while my children and family were also grieving; how to run a house; and to work a full-time job. Through a lot of prayers, scripture, meditating and writing, I found joy and acceptance of God's plan. I have discovered that I am stronger than I thought. I have learned to be a widow and a single parent. I hope to encourage others to find peace, joy, and happiness while grieving the loss of a loved one.

While I was working not he acknowledgment page, I had a meditation music station playing, and when I got to the part where I was writing about Steve, Amazing Grace was the song that played. I know it was Steve stopping by to say hi and that he was proud of me.

Saturday, February 29, 2020

taxes again

Starting to work on my taxes and even though I knew I was going to have to answer questions about my marital status and my filing status, it's still so hard and so weird to have to choose his death date and getting the notification that I qualify as a widow.

Sunday, January 19, 2020

A book!

If taken some of my journal rights over the last 2 years and connected them to things that I have written here as well. All of these pieces are turning into a book.

The book is titled "It's Okay to be Okay; Finding Joy through Grief. 

I am hoping to have it published and be able to share it with others who have gone through a loss and need the hope of God to find Joy everyday.

I would love to have copies at funeral homes and at Omega house.

Thursday, December 19, 2019

2 years

Two years and I'm okay. It's okay to be okay today and every day. It's okay to miss him and his love, sense of humor, strength and compassion but it's also okay to smile when I remember those things. The years we were together taught me so much and I'm grateful to God for that. I'm grateful for the time He gave us to be a couple, to be a husband and wife, to be parents, to be members of a church and community, to help the world and to make a difference. And those of us that he affected in love will always have that love no matter if it's been 2 years or 20 years. His memory and legacy will not go away even if there are days when we don't think about it or noticed the little things or his voice is not clear and his face cannot be pictured. 
I need to check in with others today. I need to let them know that I love them into thinking about how hard it must be for each of them to lose a dad, or a child or a sibling or a best friend. Everyone's loss and grief are so different and that's okay too.

Saturday, December 14, 2019

what am I carrying?

I listen to a podcast yesterday and she talked about what are we carrying? And it can be from an hour ago or last week or 20 years ago. We can always put these things down. We can pick them back up and put them down again as many times as needed. 

Grieg can be put down and left for a long time and then picked up again at an anniversary or a holiday or an event. 

I think I did that. I think over the summer I put my grief down my anger my loneliness, but now that we're approaching an anniversary I seem to have picked it up again and I'm carrying it and it's heavy. I see the boys carrying it too and as a mom I want to take it from them and I really want to be able to put it down, for all of us, and to carry joy, peace, love, memories of the good times, instead of this heavy sad grief that weighs us down. 

Jesus said take my yoke for my burden is easy. I need to do that. I need to give my load to him. He has the ultimate strength to carry my burdens. I need to put down a lot of things I'm carrying and let Jesus pick them up and carry them for me. Some things I hope he carries away so that I'm not able to pick them back up they'll be over.

 Grief will always be there. It won't ever go away far enough that I can't pick it up, but it feels lighter when I do decide to carry it again and I don't feel I need to carry it for as long as each time.

I know I carry other things too. 

God, I give you my heavy loads. Thank you for giving me the strength to carry them for this long. Thank you for hope, for faith, and for love. Amen.

Wednesday, November 27, 2019

Snowday lonliness

Sitting at my kitchen table feeling lonely. Steve and I often ate brunch together on snow days. We would just be together gabbing about whatever. Seeing the empty chair brings the memories back.  Thankful I have them to keep me going.

Thursday, November 21, 2019

Everyday Is Thanksgiving

Everyday is like Thanksgiving. We are invited to celebrate traditions with God everyday. But ultimately God has the choice of when celebrations going to take place and who's going to be there with us. He decides how long the celebrations going to take for each one of us. Just like the only thing that stays exactly the same for Thanksgiving is that we have turkey, the only thing that stays the same in our lives is that we have love. The size of the turkey changes. Where it comes from changes. Who cooks it changes. Who comes to eat it changes. But there's always turkey. Love is the same way. It's always there. But how long we get to give it to somebody in person changes. The way we love people changes. The number of people we Love changes because it's constantly growing as more people enter our lives, more people come to dinner. 

When I think back to how I do the exact same thing every year for Thanksgiving it really has changed every single year based on who is able to be there, where it takes place, what other foods we have, what time we gather and how long we stay. God has already made those choices for all of us. He has invited us to be at his house on earth for a certain length of time with certain people and the only thing he asks is that we love each other. No matter how frustrated we get, no matter how confused we are, no matter how long we get to be with somebody, the only thing that matters is that we love each other. And even through death that love doesn't go away. The love just changes.

When Steve and I first started dating I told him that Thanksgiving was the holiday I wanted to spend with my family over any other holiday. He and his family started coming to my family's house and joining in the traditions we had. Over the years we've had many different people at that table. Some people have only come for one. Only my mom has been there every single year of my life. 

 Lots of major life decisions have been shared at Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is when we shared that we were going to have her second son because of how much family was there that year.

I don't know how many more thanksgivings I will get to celebrate and who will be at those celebrations but I do know that God has a plan. He knows. I need to remember to love, to have faith that everything is as it should be and have the hope that the love I'm giving and receiving is what it's meant to be.

Scripture says that of faith, hope and love the greatest of these is love. 

Love never fails. 
1 Corinthians 13:7