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Friday, July 5, 2019

Just delete

I was in my account today paying some medical bills and came across my list of beneficiaries and of course Steve was still listed as my beneficiary. I called them to find out what I needed to do. The guy that I talked to was really nice and said first of all that he was sorry to hear that my husband had passed away. And that yes, I could just click delete if he was no longer going to have access to my account as a beneficiary. So with tears in my eyes, I clicked delete and added my children instead.

Wednesday, July 3, 2019

Grief Rulebook

Everything I look at and read says that there is no rule book for grieving. There are no rules on how long you should grieve. How you should grieve. How you will go through any or all of the stages of grief. How to cope with everyone else around you going through their own grief without a rulebook. How to be a widow. How to be a single parent. How to be alone. How to express your feelings.

I think there aren't rules so that when you are grieving you can feel okay. No one knows what you're going through. No one knows what you feel. No one knows if you're upset or if you're living in a moment of joy because it changes from minute to minute, hour by hour, and day by day and is different for each person.

It's been a little over 18 months and I feel like I'm finally coping. I'm feeling joy more than sadness. I'm figuring out who I am maybe more than I ever have. I'm trying to focus on the strength that I'm gaining by being on this journey where there are no rules, no time frames, no rights or wrongs.
I'm trying to not put judgment on myself.

It's all part of God's plan for me to be who I am and if that changes from day to day then that has to be accepted too. It doesn't matter if what I'm doing is right for everyone else, it only matters if it's right for me. That's hard for me to trust that statement. It's hard for me to believe in myself when for so long I believed it myself because of who I was with and the roles I was in.

I'm doing things, thinking things, and praying for things that I never have before. And it's okay because there is no book of rules, there are no guidelines and there is no time frame. There is only love and hope.

Love of the memories. Love of who I was and who I am. Love of and for others. Love without judgement.

Hope in the trust of God.  Hope for the future. Hope for all to be at peace. Hope for acceptance and understanding.

Monday, July 1, 2019

Check boxes

I'm taking out a loan and so I went to the credit union today to sign the paperwork. One of the forms I had to check my marital status and the two check box choices were  unmarried or married.

Friday, June 28, 2019

The lie

I'm a mess today.

"I'll be with you til death do us part", is a lie! They never leave and the love doesn't stop.

22 years ago today we said our vows and became husband and wife. One of the absolute best choices I made.

I always thought we'd be married and together for over 60 years. I believe God had different plans and I trust in those plans.

Thursday, June 27, 2019

License plate

In the state of Michigan your license plate renewal for your sticker and park pass is on your birthday. Since my vehicle was in Steve's name, the sticker expired on Sunday. I went to the Secretary of State today to pay for the renewal and there was a late fee. I know. I said I wish they could all be on my birthday. The man told me I could change it to my birthday if I wanted to. So I did that and now all of my vehicles are on my birthday. When I got out into the parking lot to put the sticker on the license plate I realized that I didn't want it to be my birthday. It's too late now and it's just something I will deal with. But I didn't know how hard it would be to stick that sticker that says March on top of the June sticker.

Wednesday, June 19, 2019

18 months

I have been thinking about the fact that today it's 18 months. A year-and-a-half.

At the beginning I counted it day by day. Then we move to week by week. And now for the last while it's been month by month.

Going through grief is like being a child, you count the months and you look for the little things to celebrate each month. I feel like I've been growing just like an infant. I started off not knowing who I was not knowing how to get help and not being confident in myself. Over the last 18 months I've learned to talk to different people, to get the help I need, to gain a little confidence in who I am and what my purpose is for being here and am also gaining some confidence. It's similar to how a child learns to cry when they need comfort not just food or a diaper change.  How they learn to trust the adults around them to guide them.  How they start to take those first steps on their own.  How they start to say things that have meaning.

I'm 18 months old on my grief journey. I know eventually I will get to the point where we just counted in years instead of month by month.

I need to remember to look for the little celebrations like saying my first word of Truth, conveying what I need and not always trying to please everyone else, learning to take steps out by myself and do things for me.

Friday, June 14, 2019


I am looking at taking out a loan and the bank contacted me today and said that they need some further information to start processing the paperwork again. They need my pay stubs and proof of homeowners insurance which are not a big deal to get. But then they asked also for a copy of his death certificate. I would think after a year-and-a-half that everybody that needed it would have it but I guess not. Just another thing brings it back in your face.