Thursday, December 19, 2019
Saturday, December 14, 2019
Wednesday, November 27, 2019
Thursday, November 21, 2019
Monday, September 9, 2019
Today, when I got home, there was a package with my husband's name on it. Inside was a belt that you would use for heavy lifting to prevent a hernia. I felt like this was very cruel and it was a huge trigger for the day. Steve had hernia surgery the day before he died almost two years ago.
I mentioned it when I was at my doctor's office this afternoon and he said that often companies will look at insurance reports and send you items that they think you need or want and then bill you for them later if you don't return them.
It will be sent back and I am going to call them and explain to them how upsetting this was.
Thankful for the support of friends and family.
Wednesday, September 4, 2019
For the Christmas a few days after he had passed away, my sister gave me a gold chain so I could wear his wedding ring. I wore that for over a year and then I got my tattoo which is the outline of his wedding ring and decided I didn't need to wear it anymore.
Last week one of the prongs on my wedding band set got caught on something and I realized that it was damaged. I brought it to the jeweler and left it there for a few days while they made the repair. It's been okay not having it on my finger and I've decided that for today I'm not going to wear it. I may change my mind tomorrow or next week and that's okay.
Whether or not I wear the ring does not affect the love we shared and the marriage we had.
Sunday, August 18, 2019
As I experience other couples going through divorces or celebrating anniversaries, it makes me angry. Angry that I do not get any more anniversaries related to our marriage. Feeling that Steve dying is really unfair when we had an amazing marriage and relationship with each other. Jealous that other people get to be with their spouse everyday. Anger at those that are not making it work and are going through divorce when I would do just about anything to have him back here with me. Our marriage was not perfect all the time, but we made it work. We loved and respected each other and our marriage and so we put forth the effort that needed to be there so that we could be happy and in love with each other. I know not everyone's marriage is like ours was and that there are situations that the marriage needs to end. I am not angry with either of the people but upset that they are not able to make it work when I'm no longer given the chance.
And I'm happy for those that are celebrating anniversaries especially the milestones. When I went back and watched our wedding video, the priest said that he hoped that we would be standing in the same spot in 50 years renewing our vows. I really thought we would. Even if Steve felt like his grandpa who once said that he said his vows once, he meant them, and he didn't need to say them again.
Sometimes I have to walk away when I am at a store or a restaurant and I see a couple obviously out on a date and holding hands or hugging and kissing. I'm happy for them, but it still hurts.
I hope enough people saw the marriage we had and can use it as an example. I hope my boys know how hard we worked to make sure that our marriage was strong. I hope they know that our faith was a huge part of our relationship and marriage. I hope that they can find a relationship like Steve and I had. And I pray I'm around to witness the weddings and the marriages even though it will be hard without Steve by my side. I know he's always watching over us.