Widows Day

I guess I missed it last year. May 3rd is considered widows day. I'm not even sure what that means to make a holiday about something that you're not happy about. I guess it's to connect with other people that are going through the same thing you are. I saw a statistic today that said there are 800,000 new widows a year and 700,000 of them are women.

Minneapolis

In Minneapolis for a concert. I'm remembering the time that Steve and I came here for our anniversary and stayed at a hotel for the weekend then went to a Detroit Tigers baseball game.
So thankful for all the memories I have of our time together.

Transfer station

On Saturday I went throughout the house and collected different things for garbage and loaded up the truck and headed to the transfer station. I hate going to the transfer station. It's organized chaos and I don't feel comfortable backing up the truck yet. The whole while I'm there and thinking I wish that Steve was still here to do this. As I was leaving our song came on on the radio.

16 months or 27 years

It's been 16 months today since Steve left this Earth. But tomorrow is the 27th anniversary of the first day he asked me out. I'm choosing to focus on that instead because I know God worked that day having me pullover and him to ask me to the movie. I am so thankful I said yes and that we had all of these years together.

Asking for help

Although I'm not sure I asked for it I was offered help and accepted it. My doctor suggested that in order to help my kids heal I need to make sure that I'm healing as well. I'm going to start a couple new things that he recommended and see if that helps. We're looking at starting some new things after spring break as far as getting the boys to go to school and to do things around the house, ect too.

Asking for help is never been a strength of mine even though I know it's a strength in other people. I've always kind of thought I could keep things together and do it on my own but now I realize that I wasn't ever doing it on my own. I always had Steve there to help me, to give me advice and to listen. He was one of the only people I could ask for help. Now that he's gone I need to realize that I do need people in my life and that is not a weakness to need help and to ask for and to accept it.

Calling home

I'm at a conference this week. And as we were leaving lunch a whole bunch of people said that they were going to go and call their spouses while they had a few minutes before the next session started. It's little things like that that make grief really hard. I'm not mad at them or upset with them. It just makes me feel lonely.

Fixing my truck

We bought a truck in 2015 from a dealership about a hundred miles from home. Because it's under warranty we've had all the work done at the same place. We used to make a weekend out of it. The two of us would come down, sit at the shop, go out to dinner and spend the night in a local hotel.

I noticed that my muffler was making noise and since I was coming to the town with the dealership anyway, I made an appointment for the truck to be looked at and to have an oil change.

After I waited for awhile, the mechanic came out and asked me for my address. That's all it took for me to be in tears. I don't want to be responsible for vehicles. I don't want to be here without Steve. The account used to be in his name and I assume when I switched it, they lost some of the information.

Then a girl came out and was talking to me and she told me that she had been one of Steve's students. She said he was the most gentle person that she ever met. She was the mechanic that did my oil change.

Then when I got in my truck to leave the dealership, "Love of a Lifetime", our song, came on the radio.

Thanks for being with me tonight Steve.

I love and miss you.