Different not better or worse

I was watching a TV show tonight and these two lines hit me hard:

"It's not better, just different."

"The more I fall for you, the more I feel I'm letting her go."

I worry that things are changing and are going to be so different and that the more I change, the more I might have to let him go. I don't want to let him go, but I don't know how to move forward without leaving some of him behind. Leaving someone who I was behind.

Being with someone for 25 years, from the time you're 16 on, changes you into someone different. Being without that person for 17 months changes you in to someone different. Not better or worse, just different.

Burial again

I guess I never realized how many anniversaries or dates were tied to death. I think you'll always have the "it's been however many months or years since you died". And now I'm realizing that you have the "it's been one year since we buried you" and "it's been one year since this happened" and now "it's the second time we're doing this without you". I don't think any of these dates make it anymore real. It's still really hard to believe but it's been one year since we buried his body and almost a year-and-a-half since he left the Earth.

The second year

Many people told me at the funeral and the couple months after that how the second year is harder than the first year. I'm beginning to believe this. I think it's because it's not as new any more. You're trying to find whatever your new reality is. You're celebrated all of the firsts and made it through and now you're realizing that all of the seconds are going to happen and you're not as busy or not as numb. Life has just continued on. And somedays seem that way and realizing that makes the day harder and other times that's the hope you get. Is that you too can continue to move forward and create the life you were meant to live.

Widows Day

I guess I missed it last year. May 3rd is considered widows day. I'm not even sure what that means to make a holiday about something that you're not happy about. I guess it's to connect with other people that are going through the same thing you are. I saw a statistic today that said there are 800,000 new widows a year and 700,000 of them are women.

Minneapolis

In Minneapolis for a concert. I'm remembering the time that Steve and I came here for our anniversary and stayed at a hotel for the weekend then went to a Detroit Tigers baseball game.
So thankful for all the memories I have of our time together.

Transfer station

On Saturday I went throughout the house and collected different things for garbage and loaded up the truck and headed to the transfer station. I hate going to the transfer station. It's organized chaos and I don't feel comfortable backing up the truck yet. The whole while I'm there and thinking I wish that Steve was still here to do this. As I was leaving our song came on on the radio.

16 months or 27 years

It's been 16 months today since Steve left this Earth. But tomorrow is the 27th anniversary of the first day he asked me out. I'm choosing to focus on that instead because I know God worked that day having me pullover and him to ask me to the movie. I am so thankful I said yes and that we had all of these years together.