Jealousy and anger

As I experience other couples going through divorces or celebrating anniversaries, it makes me angry. Angry that I do not get any more anniversaries related to our marriage. Feeling that Steve dying is really unfair when we had an amazing marriage and relationship with each other. Jealous that other people get to be with their spouse everyday. Anger at those that are not making it work and are going through divorce when I would do just about anything to have him back here with me. Our marriage was not perfect all the time, but we made it work. We loved and respected each other and our marriage and so we put forth the effort that needed to be there so that we could be happy and in love with each other. I know not everyone's marriage is like ours was and that there are situations that the marriage needs to end. I am not angry with either of the people but upset that they are not able to make it work when I'm no longer given the chance.

And I'm happy for those that are celebrating anniversaries especially the milestones. When I went back and watched our wedding video, the priest said that he hoped that we would be standing in the same spot in 50 years renewing our vows. I really thought we would. Even if Steve felt like his grandpa who once said that he said his vows once, he meant them, and he didn't need to say them again.

Sometimes I have to walk away when I am at a store or a restaurant and I see a couple obviously out on a date and holding hands or hugging and kissing. I'm happy for them, but it still hurts.

I hope enough people saw the marriage we had and can use it as an example. I hope my boys know how hard we worked to make sure that our marriage was strong. I hope they know that our faith was a huge part of our relationship and marriage. I hope that they can find a relationship like Steve and I had. And I pray I'm around to witness the weddings and the marriages even though it will be hard without Steve by my side. I know he's always watching over us.

Dream

This afternoon I lied down to take a nap and had the most vivid dream. I felt someone move onto the bed and when I looked it was Steve. I asked him if this was a dream and he said no, that he had been in Alaska. I didn't even know what to think, if I should believe that it was him or if it was a dream.
Then we were out in our living room and our kids were there with his parents and some guy that had brought him from the airport. My son's dog was in the dream and I was wearing the same dress that I'm wearing now.
I was really angry at him for knowing that we were all grieving and yet so excited to see him and have him be alive.

Alone

As I'm learning to be without Steve and as my boys are changing and growing, I'm finding that I need a lot of time to myself. This is really weird because I'm usually such a people person. I like to be busy and be around others. But over the last couple months, I'm finding that I need time to just be me, whoever that is. I'm struggling with figuring this all out and I know others around me are too. Sometimes it's hard to navigate when everybody is in their own place on this journey of grief and has different needs.

I think when you're married and appearance of young children you're needed a lot more and so you are busy and around others.
Now that I'm not being a partner, I use that time to be alone.
Now that my boys are all teenagers and not involved in sports and groups I'm using that time to be alone also.

I do fear that sometimes I'm neglecting things that I've always done but I'm learning how make the change in myself as the world around me is changing.

Just delete

I was in my account today paying some medical bills and came across my list of beneficiaries and of course Steve was still listed as my beneficiary. I called them to find out what I needed to do. The guy that I talked to was really nice and said first of all that he was sorry to hear that my husband had passed away. And that yes, I could just click delete if he was no longer going to have access to my account as a beneficiary. So with tears in my eyes, I clicked delete and added my children instead.

Grief Rulebook

Everything I look at and read says that there is no rule book for grieving. There are no rules on how long you should grieve. How you should grieve. How you will go through any or all of the stages of grief. How to cope with everyone else around you going through their own grief without a rulebook. How to be a widow. How to be a single parent. How to be alone. How to express your feelings.

I think there aren't rules so that when you are grieving you can feel okay. No one knows what you're going through. No one knows what you feel. No one knows if you're upset or if you're living in a moment of joy because it changes from minute to minute, hour by hour, and day by day and is different for each person.

It's been a little over 18 months and I feel like I'm finally coping. I'm feeling joy more than sadness. I'm figuring out who I am maybe more than I ever have. I'm trying to focus on the strength that I'm gaining by being on this journey where there are no rules, no time frames, no rights or wrongs.
I'm trying to not put judgment on myself.

It's all part of God's plan for me to be who I am and if that changes from day to day then that has to be accepted too. It doesn't matter if what I'm doing is right for everyone else, it only matters if it's right for me. That's hard for me to trust that statement. It's hard for me to believe in myself when for so long I believed it myself because of who I was with and the roles I was in.

I'm doing things, thinking things, and praying for things that I never have before. And it's okay because there is no book of rules, there are no guidelines and there is no time frame. There is only love and hope.

Love of the memories. Love of who I was and who I am. Love of and for others. Love without judgement.

Hope in the trust of God.  Hope for the future. Hope for all to be at peace. Hope for acceptance and understanding.

Check boxes

I'm taking out a loan and so I went to the credit union today to sign the paperwork. One of the forms I had to check my marital status and the two check box choices were  unmarried or married.

The lie

I'm a mess today.

"I'll be with you til death do us part", is a lie! They never leave and the love doesn't stop.

22 years ago today we said our vows and became husband and wife. One of the absolute best choices I made.

I always thought we'd be married and together for over 60 years. I believe God had different plans and I trust in those plans.