Snowday lonliness

Sitting at my kitchen table feeling lonely. Steve and I often ate brunch together on snow days. We would just be together gabbing about whatever. Seeing the empty chair brings the memories back.  Thankful I have them to keep me going.

Everyday Is Thanksgiving

Everyday is like Thanksgiving. We are invited to celebrate traditions with God everyday. But ultimately God has the choice of when celebrations going to take place and who's going to be there with us. He decides how long the celebrations going to take for each one of us. Just like the only thing that stays exactly the same for Thanksgiving is that we have turkey, the only thing that stays the same in our lives is that we have love. The size of the turkey changes. Where it comes from changes. Who cooks it changes. Who comes to eat it changes. But there's always turkey. Love is the same way. It's always there. But how long we get to give it to somebody in person changes. The way we love people changes. The number of people we Love changes because it's constantly growing as more people enter our lives, more people come to dinner. 

When I think back to how I do the exact same thing every year for Thanksgiving it really has changed every single year based on who is able to be there, where it takes place, what other foods we have, what time we gather and how long we stay. God has already made those choices for all of us. He has invited us to be at his house on earth for a certain length of time with certain people and the only thing he asks is that we love each other. No matter how frustrated we get, no matter how confused we are, no matter how long we get to be with somebody, the only thing that matters is that we love each other. And even through death that love doesn't go away. The love just changes.

When Steve and I first started dating I told him that Thanksgiving was the holiday I wanted to spend with my family over any other holiday. He and his family started coming to my family's house and joining in the traditions we had. Over the years we've had many different people at that table. Some people have only come for one. Only my mom has been there every single year of my life. 

 Lots of major life decisions have been shared at Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is when we shared that we were going to have her second son because of how much family was there that year.

I don't know how many more thanksgivings I will get to celebrate and who will be at those celebrations but I do know that God has a plan. He knows. I need to remember to love, to have faith that everything is as it should be and have the hope that the love I'm giving and receiving is what it's meant to be.

Scripture says that of faith, hope and love the greatest of these is love. 

Love never fails. 

1 Corinthians 13:7

Cruel package

Today, when I got home, there was a package with my husband's name on it. Inside was a belt that you would use for heavy lifting to prevent a hernia. I felt like this was very cruel and it was a huge trigger for the day. Steve had hernia surgery the day before he died almost two years ago.
I mentioned it when I was at my doctor's office this afternoon and he said that often companies will look at insurance reports and send you items that they think you need or want and then bill you for them later if you don't return them.

It will be sent back and I am going to call them and explain to them how upsetting this was.

Thankful for the support of friends and family.

Rings

For the Christmas a few days after he had passed away, my sister gave me a gold chain so I could wear his wedding ring. I wore that for over a year and then I got my tattoo which is the outline of his wedding ring and decided I didn't need to wear it anymore.
Last week one of the prongs on my wedding band set got caught on something and I realized that it was damaged. I brought it to the jeweler and left it there for a few days while they made the repair. It's been okay not having it on my finger and I've decided that for today I'm not going to wear it. I may change my mind tomorrow or next week and that's okay.
Whether or not I wear the ring does not affect the love we shared and the marriage we had.

Jealousy and anger

As I experience other couples going through divorces or celebrating anniversaries, it makes me angry. Angry that I do not get any more anniversaries related to our marriage. Feeling that Steve dying is really unfair when we had an amazing marriage and relationship with each other. Jealous that other people get to be with their spouse everyday. Anger at those that are not making it work and are going through divorce when I would do just about anything to have him back here with me. Our marriage was not perfect all the time, but we made it work. We loved and respected each other and our marriage and so we put forth the effort that needed to be there so that we could be happy and in love with each other. I know not everyone's marriage is like ours was and that there are situations that the marriage needs to end. I am not angry with either of the people but upset that they are not able to make it work when I'm no longer given the chance.

And I'm happy for those that are celebrating anniversaries especially the milestones. When I went back and watched our wedding video, the priest said that he hoped that we would be standing in the same spot in 50 years renewing our vows. I really thought we would. Even if Steve felt like his grandpa who once said that he said his vows once, he meant them, and he didn't need to say them again.

Sometimes I have to walk away when I am at a store or a restaurant and I see a couple obviously out on a date and holding hands or hugging and kissing. I'm happy for them, but it still hurts.

I hope enough people saw the marriage we had and can use it as an example. I hope my boys know how hard we worked to make sure that our marriage was strong. I hope they know that our faith was a huge part of our relationship and marriage. I hope that they can find a relationship like Steve and I had. And I pray I'm around to witness the weddings and the marriages even though it will be hard without Steve by my side. I know he's always watching over us.

Dream

This afternoon I lied down to take a nap and had the most vivid dream. I felt someone move onto the bed and when I looked it was Steve. I asked him if this was a dream and he said no, that he had been in Alaska. I didn't even know what to think, if I should believe that it was him or if it was a dream.
Then we were out in our living room and our kids were there with his parents and some guy that had brought him from the airport. My son's dog was in the dream and I was wearing the same dress that I'm wearing now.
I was really angry at him for knowing that we were all grieving and yet so excited to see him and have him be alive.

Alone

As I'm learning to be without Steve and as my boys are changing and growing, I'm finding that I need a lot of time to myself. This is really weird because I'm usually such a people person. I like to be busy and be around others. But over the last couple months, I'm finding that I need time to just be me, whoever that is. I'm struggling with figuring this all out and I know others around me are too. Sometimes it's hard to navigate when everybody is in their own place on this journey of grief and has different needs.

I think when you're married and appearance of young children you're needed a lot more and so you are busy and around others.
Now that I'm not being a partner, I use that time to be alone.
Now that my boys are all teenagers and not involved in sports and groups I'm using that time to be alone also.

I do fear that sometimes I'm neglecting things that I've always done but I'm learning how make the change in myself as the world around me is changing.