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Wednesday, September 19, 2018

9 month feelings

9 months today. I still don't truly believe that you're gone and not coming back or that you're not just at Camp Nesbit.

I wonder how your sixth grade team is now with Carl there and the new guy in John L's place. I'm glad Amy and John A. have each other but it's got to be hard for them and for the rest of the staff too. One of Diane's kids asked her about the bench in your honor and said that we must all be sad.

I'm not sure what I feel. Sad to not be making new memories; grateful for the memories I have and the time we did have; jealous of you being in heaven - not in pain, not feeling old, not tired; confused on why God needed you now and why you just went 9 months ago and weren't sick or anything or that you didn't die during the surgery; and lonely - being a single mom is hard and I question if I'm making the right decisions or if I'm too easy and let too much go on because they're grieving.

I don't think I'm angry.

I don't think I'm scared anymore. I was at first, scared to be alone, scared to make decisions, scared of how they feel, to cope, to go on.

But I feel better now that I realize God doesn't ever give us more than we can handle and so I tell myself that God took you home with him because he needed you to watch over the kids that he knew were coming. That He knew I could do this on my own and that I'd be okay and that through this I would get stronger, more confident, be able to help others, make okay decisions, learn new things and be okay. That I can be happy. I can laugh. I can smile and say I'm fine and mean it. That I can forget you're gone sometimes and that's okay. That the boys will be okay. God has a plan for them too and although I still don't think it's fair that they don't get to make new memories and especially Matthew, who only had 11 years,  they got enough love and teaching from you, that they'll be okay. They'll be fine. They'll be good.

God knows best and we're all here to fulfill His purpose for our lives until He takes us home too.

(After I wrote this I picked up my devotional and the verse for today was "love never fails".)

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