visible changes

In the last few weeks I decided that I needed my bathroom to be a little more like a retreat or a mini spa. I already owned white bath towels, but I purchased white hand towels and a white soap dispenser to go on the white counter. I removed the blue bath mat and carpet and replaced those with white. I cleaned some stuff off of the floor and some ended up in the garbage, but Steve's body wash still needed to be kept for whatever reason and so it went in the cabinet.

I was telling a friend about this and she pointed out how huge this was.

Other than changing the shower curtain I really hadn't done much in this bathroom since Steve passed away. Redecorating a room doesn't seem like a big deal, but it does when this is the space that he passed away in.

I did it without any grief. The body wash was a small short-lived little trigger, but mostly a smile of the memory of the smell. 

I didn't do it to remove his memory from the space I did it to bring myself a little more joy.

It's been 6 years without any real changes that were visible to anyone else that would have come to my bedroom/bathroom area. 

Within the first year, I took his clothes out of the closet and a dresser. It took a while to be able to do that. I started using the master bathroom instead of our other bathroom because it was just me getting ready in the morning. I started using fleece sheets which he would have hated.

But so far this year I have redecorated the bathroom. I have created ia space on "his side" of the room for me to do yoga, prayer, journaling, coloring and chakra dance. I moved and set up a work/business space where his table had been in our office. Visible changes. 

Little changes that are bringing me joy. I'm making the space a little more mine and a little less us and it's okay! 

Remembering my grandpa

During a myofascial release yesterday, my left knee felt off and when a little bit of pressure was applied to it, I broke down and started sobbing.

I could feel grief over losing my grandpa and that happened almost 24 years ago. And at the time I don't feel like his death was tragic or a trauma in my life because he had lived a full life and had had a heart attack and had a stroke and wasn't living the lifestyle he wanted to be living anymore. I felt like I grieved the loss of him because he was a huge part of my life and my childhood and my upbringing. It was a huge loss for my entire family. I was pregnant and fairly new in my marriage and living my life and having a teaching career and all of those pieces were falling into place. He had gotten to be at my wedding, but he didn't get to see my son be born.

It's curious that it's coming back up now. Lots of things over the last 6 weeks have related to my grandpa. When I am meditating, I end up at feeling like I am in the middle of Smith's field, which is property he owned. 

I keep thinking about blueberries and thimbleberries, which are things that I picked with either him or my grandma. He used an old sheds peanut butter bucket tied with an old sheet around his waist like a belt. 

I am remembering the sound of the lawn mower when he'd be out at the edge of the road and I'd be baking or making something in the camp when I was little. 

Someone was talking about the length of people's stride and how that can be affected by your emotions and your attitude. My grandpa always had a super long stride and he walked as if he was proud and he was happy and I believe he was. I always thought his stride was long because of how tall he was and it was sometimes a struggle to keep up with him when my legs were tiny. I have memories of walking down the beach all the way down to the creek and him putting me on his shoulders to carry me back because my little legs couldn't go anymore. 

The color green keeps appearing in my life in lots of conversations and in things I'm aware of. I'm now remembering that he wrote a lot of his financial information in a notebook with a green cover. I know that there's something there to teach me about finances and making money and accepting that part of who I am as a business owner.

My grandpa got up early everyday and in the summer started a fire and in the winter shovel the driveway. He would make poached eggs and toast. He'd head out golfing if it was a weekday. He often spent the afternoons mowing grass or picking berries or both. He off it ended the evening with a swim in the lake or financial TV show.

He taught me to love your wife, to love your children, to love your grandchildren. He taught me that you can be successful owning your own business. He taught me to collect omars. He showed me how to pick the blueberries and wild raspberries. He taught me to love frozen Milky Ways and Hershey's with almonds. 

To this day I can't put a gallon of milk on the table without thinking about him and how dirty the bottom of that gallon is. I also think about stacking dishes because he would comment that now you have to wash the backs and I'm never really sure if he was serious or not. 

I could picture his thick white hair it is huge comforting hands. He also had a huge heart it was always supporting his community and his family.

I miss you Grandpa! 

Tuesday December 19th

6 years ago it was a Tuesday. My life changed so much. The loss was scary numbing and unbelievable. How could he be gone forever? Maybe he was just on a trip or went for a ride or needed a break? How do I do this alone? How can I be a single mom? How will I make decisions? How do I take care of grieving kids while grieving myself? How do we tell everyone? Did we eat? Who slept? Can we plan and hold a funeral before Christmas? Who's coming from out of town? Where will they stay? Who's going to do the snow removal? What bills need to be paid? What packages need to be mailed out? What will we do with all this food? Who's going to school and it's okay to want to go. Let's experience all the emotions at one time. How can you be sad one minute that angry than next but then laugh about something that then makes you cry? I don't know how to do this! I'm not ready to have him gone! We had so many plans! This isn't fair! How does God think that this is okay? My bed is lonely! No more hugs! No more smartass comments! Projects aren't done.

6 years later it's Tuesday again. I still love and miss you. I'm doing okay most of the time. I still wish you had been able to stay with us. I'm glad you watch over us and leave us quarters. I know God had a plan and hopefully it's going well. I met someone new, he loves me too. The boys are growing up and I think I'm doing okay raising them. I'm so thankful for family and friends love and support especially since they're grieving too. Thankful we can share both tears and joy. I make more decisions now. I choose me more often. I still drive your truck and live in the house. I'm helping other widows and finding some peace. FernGully is coming out soon. A couple people have shared the news with me. It's certainly not the same without you but I wouldn't change the 25 years we had together. I'm glad you asked me out. I'm glad I said yes. I'm glad we were married and raised three amazing kids together. I'm glad we made plans for the future. I'm glad I'm moving forward but not forgetting. You were the love of a lifetime. We just didn't know that the lifetime would only be 42 years. I know you're right there waiting and watching over us.

I love you.

I miss you.

You are not forgotten. 

lessons learned

I am working on a workbook and a workshop for widows with writing/journaling activities. These are things that I wrote about when Steve died and some of them even more than once since then. Part of the last one is looking at the future. 

In the last almost 6 years I learned so much about myself and grief. I learned to accept that there would always be moments that were hard and connected to his death. 

I found someone who allows me to have those moments and to talk about them, to share how hard it is, and to know that it is forever. 

I know that time heals but it doesn’t make the love go away. It doesn't make the memories go away. It doesn't mean I won’t ever be triggered again. 

But time lessens the strength of the grief. It means I can be in joy more than sadness. 

It means I can move forward and live in the present. 

I can let grieving go without letting him go. 

I can move on because time moves on. 

I can move forward because I can’t go back and change it.

I can be in the present. I can remember the past. And I can have hope for the future. 

Letting Go

Recently the idea of letting go has been coming up a lot. And I think there needs to be some defining of what it means to let go. I think a lot of this connects with moving forward and not moving on which I've talked about before. 

Letting go means leaving the past in the past. Letting go of the hopes and the dreams and the plans that we had for the future. 

We built onto our house so that we could fit our current family better but also with the idea that we would live there forever. We made our doorways handicap accessible and our bathrooms able to be used maybe with a support person like a nurse and a guest room that overnight care could stay in. And now that's not going to happen if we are not going to be there in our 90s. 

Letting go of the idea of that we would celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary or our 50th. Steve's parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary this year and it was hard to know that I'm not going to get there with anyone. 

Letting go of my kids. My youngest is 17. They are growing up and moving forward and becoming people that they were meant to be and the best version of themselves and that might not include me as much as it has in the past. 

Letting go of my teaching as a career and as something I did all the time.

I think the letting go is shifting. Shifting to retirement. Shifting to being a widow. Shifting to being a single parent. Shifting to being in a new relationship. Shifting to having my own business. Shifting to different expectations around meals and time together. Shifting on who's living in the house.

Lots of things involved with letting go and as most things with grief, there are no rules. Some days are going to be harder than others. Some things are going to be a trigger. 

I need to let go of the past and move forward. I need to look to the future and see where I'm headed. I need to have hopes and dreams and goals and know that not all of them are going to come true or be met and that that's part of life. And it's okay.

And none of letting go means that I've forgotten. Letting go means not grieving, but allowing moments of grief here and there. 

wherever you will go

Cried in the shower this morning listening to a song. I could feel that Steve was talking to me and sharing a message that he is always with me and always supporting me because I keep him in my mind and heart. 

I am so blessed that he's okay with me being with Chris. 

"So lately, been wondering

Who will be there to take my place

When I'm gone, you'll need love

To light the shadows on your face" 

"know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time"

"Wherever You Will Go"

By The Calling 

movie vows

I watched a movie tonight where one of the spouses died of cancer. After they knew the prognosis was not good, they spur of the moment decided to get married and went to a courthouse. The judge asked if he would love "as long as you both shall live". Of course he answered 'I do'.

It made me think about how we do love for the length of their life and then also for the rest of our life even if that person is no longer alive. My marriage vow to Steve was until "death do us part" and no matter what path I choose to take, I will always love him. I will love him as my first love, as my husband, as the father of my children and my best friend.

I am always amazed at how love works. How you can be in love with two totally different humans and want to be with them for the rest of your life, as long as you both shall live, and even after they're gone. 

knitted blanket

Last night I was working with Steve's mom on the potential of her knitting a temperature blanket. You sew a row everyday based on the temperature, whether you pick the high, the low or the average of the day. We were watching different videos and I was reading people's plans that they followed when they made their blanket.  In one of them the person explained that she went back and looked at the average temperatures for the year they got married. She was making it for her husband as a present to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. 

Funny how that was the same year that Steve and I got married. I had really thought we would go to Hawaii for our 25th. It also reminded me of how hot our wedding day was even though our average temperatures do not usually reach above 100. It's great to be able to look back on the memories and remember all the love that we shared. 

Preparation

13 years ago one of my very good friends passed away. We were a month apart in age and had been friends since middle school. Her second child and my oldest child were only a month apart. Her husband and my husband were great friends too. We often got together for dinner and for birthdays. 

I know exactly where I was when I got the call from her dad saying that she did not wake up from a nap. It made death such a reality and led to so many conversations between me and Steve about what we would do if it was one of us that died suddenly. I think her death really prepared me to grieve and accept and move forward with Steve's death.  It also let us to have some conversations about expectations revolving around grief.

Her husband was able to move forward and has now been married for many years. I think he was criticized by many people for moving forward in a time frame that they thought was too quick. But as I've learned and experienced, there are absolutely no rules or timelines in both grieving and moving forward. 

You can still love someone and be in love with someone else. You can grieve the loss of their part of your life and also make new memories with someone new.

Thank You

I went to the bank today with Brian and were talking about finances and really thinking about how I'm only where I am because of how much Steve did with planning in our budgeting and because of his death. I've been thinking a lot about him as we approach the 5-year mark on Monday.

Thank you Steve. Thank you for making sure we were all set. Thank you for teaching me to budget to spend what we've got and to save for future expenses and the unexpected. Thank you for always loving and being supportive of me. Thanks for being my amazing partner. I miss you. I love you. Thanks for being okay with me moving forward. I know you've always wanted me to be happy and Chris makes me happy. He's so loving allows me to grieve and share about my life with you. I know you believe so strongly in marriage and I thought I did too but I want to be with Chris until death do us part but because he's unsure about marriage, it's not on the table right now and I'm okay with that. Thank you for teaching me to love and accept myself. Thank you for protecting me and always being there for a hug. Thank you for always being around now and watching over all of us. I feel your presence and love. Please don't ever stop loving me.

Chris, I love you so much and I'm so happy you said yes to learning to pick agates. Thank you for letting me take my time to move forward in our relationship and for being so supportive. Thank you for letting me talk about Steve and our marriage. Thanks for letting me be a mom when that's who I need to be. Thank you for wanting a future with me. Thank you for finding me attractive and for accepting me for who I am. You've always said we each have a past and I'm so happy that my past has allowed me to be with you. I love you and want to be your partner for the rest of your life or mine. I accept that I might become a widow again. I accepted our lives will be what is meant to be. I believe God has a plan and it was for me to be Steve's wife first and then to be with you. I love you and I always will. 

bring it up

I was talking with a friend today and she asked if she could tell me something. She told me that she was working on some paperwork and came across Steve's name. She thought she was going to have to delete the information and felt weird about it but realized she could just uncheck his name. She wasn't sure she should have brought up the story or not. I'm really glad she did share it. We then talked about other memories and funny stories that we share. I personally think that anytime you think of somebody that's passed away especially if it's been awhile you should let the person that's still alive know that you're thinking about both of them. 

retirement is possible

I have decided to retire in June after 25 years of being in education and many people have questioned how it's possible at my age to be able to even do it. I explained that many things had to fall perfectly into place for this to be possible and one of those things was the fact that we had life insurance and a plan for our future. Because I was able to collect full pension for Steve and then will be able to receive mine and the fact that my debt ratio is very low will allow me to take advantage of retiring at a young age. 

Some of these things like retirement turn out to be the silver linings of having to lose him.

you did it once

I was talking with my youngest today about a comment my daughter-in-law made a few days ago. She told me how proud of me she was for moving forward and dating again and how she wasn't sure if she was to become a widow if she could do it. His response to this was something like, you got through it once so you know you can do it again. 

I feel deep down that I will again be a widow. I treasure the time I do have with Chris because I know it any moment it can end. But the love that we share makes whatever time we have together absolutely worth it.

Is it sometimes hard to hope that we'll make it 25 years when I didn't get that with Steve? Yes! But without hope and love, what do we have?

25th anniversary

Struggle this morning already thinking about tomorrow. June 28th is our wedding anniversary and tomorrow would be 25 years. We talked about making it that far and possibly going to Hawaii for a honeymoon because we really didn't have one when we got married.

Spent a lot of time thinking about Steve this morning and then when I went to donate blood, "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" song came on followed by one by Bob Seger. I know Steve was just saying hello because there's no reason to play "The wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" other than in November on the anniversary of it sinking and Bob Seger was one of his favorite artists. 

My aunt messaged me yesterday telling me that she was having a difficult time with this week too. We find it interesting that we are the only members of our family to be widows and our anniversary for our weddings is the same date. She said goodbye to my uncle on their 40th wedding anniversary 7 years ago. They got married the year that Steve and I were born. 

We both feel very blessed to have a connection with each other even though the journey can be hard. 

"evergone"

Well getting ready this morning I had the radio on and they said that it was a new song. I don't feel that I often connect the first time I hear a song but today I did. It's called "evergone" by Christina Perri.

I love the part where she talks about making a space in your heart. This is a concept I've always believed in. Just because someone is gone doesn't mean they're removed from your heart or because you love someone new that they take the place of someone. I think your heart just keeps growing and each person has their space. 

Here are the lyrics: 

Thoughts of you bring me back
To times I thought we'd always have
Who knew the world could spin so fast?
I didn't
I write letters to you in my head
Things we did and the things we said
Today I heard someone say your name again

In your hopes and dreams
In your memories
In the songs we sing
In the ones we leave
We carry on
Where no one is ever gone
No one is ever gone
No one is ever gone
In your hopes and dreams
In your memories
No one is ever gone

I think about a better place
And learn to live with the heartache
Between the nights and days that wash away
And every time I think of you
I feel you in the things I do
With every step, you're in my every breath

In your hopes and dreams
In your memories
In the songs we sing
In the ones we leave
We carry on
Where no one is ever gone
No one is ever gone
No one is ever gone
In your hopes and dreams
In your memories
No one is ever gone

I don't wanna keep going on without you
Grow around the pain if I have to
So I make a space inside my heart
Where no one is ever gone

In your hopes and dreams
In your memories
In the songs we sing
In the ones we leave
We carry on
Where no one is ever gone

In your hopes and dreams
In your memories (no one is ever gone)
In the songs we sing
In the ones we leave
We carry on
But no one is ever gone
No one is ever gone
No one is ever gone
In your hopes and dreams
In your memories
No one is ever gone

Thoughts of you bring me back
To times I thought we'd always have
Who knew the world could spin so fast?
I didn't

Source: LyricFind

"a stranger in the lifeboat"

I just finished reading a novel by Mitch Albom called the stranger in the lifeboat. One part really connected with me. (Page 241-242 in the hardcover edition 2021.) 

The character who says they are the Lord says, quote "When someone passes, Benjamin, people always ask why did God take them? A better question would be why did God give them to us? What did we do to deserve their love, their joy, the Sweet moments we shared? Didn't you have such happy moments with Annabelle?...Those moments are a gift. But their end is not a punishment. I am never cruel Benjamin. I know you before you are born. I know you after you die. My plans for you are not to find by this world. Beginnings and endings are earthly ideas. I go on. And because I go on, you go on with me. Feeling lost is part of why you were on earth. Through it, you appreciate the brief gift of human existence, and you learn to cherish the world I created for you. But the human form is not permanent. It was never meant to be. That gift belongs to the soul. I know the tears you shed Benjamin. When people leave this earth, their loved ones always weep., But I promise you those who leave do not."

I really agree with his thoughts about death and about how we as humans on Earth feel. Understanding that we, as humans, are not permanently going to be here but that our souls go on, gives me strength to continue.

Ghost

I have heard the new song, "Ghost" by Justin Bieber, at least once a day for the past week or so. I know it's coming on so that I can still process my grief.

It starts off by saying, "Youngblood thinks there's always tomorrow" and then "I need more time but time can't be borrowed". I don't just think it's the youngbloods that feel that we always get tomorrow. A lot of times I forget that we don't always get tomorrow too. And I do sometimes wish that I could have more time. I think about what I would do or say if I could even have a few more moments. I'm not sure we ever talked about more than the financial piece if one of us was to pass away. I don't think we talked about decisions with the kids or being in another relationship. 

The next part about not having you here and settling for the ghost is what I've been feeling a lot lately. I know that Steve is watching over me and that that's never going to end regardless of what decisions I make. But it truly is settling. You don't get a choice. I'm just glad that he continues to visit me and let me know that his love hasn't ended.

When Steve first died, I did think about following him, but not until it was my time. I knew I was still supposed to be living; that many people still needed me; that my life did have a purpose that I had not fulfilled yet. I miss him and I miss him being at important events but I don't miss him more than the life I have. I know I meant to be living without him because it has made me stronger, more independent and able to make more decisions that are right for me and for the boys.

I wrote the first part of this and then left for work. I started my playlist and the second or third song came on was "Say You Won't Let Go" by James Arthur.  This is the song I consider our song with Chris.  It hit me hard that the part I always share with Chris in that song is "Just say you won't let go, I wanna live with you, Even when we're ghosts". 

Realizing this I just said, "okay universe" I get it. I can love both people and want to be with them forever. Thank you God for bringing two amazing men into my life that love me and support me!

Here are the lyrics for both songs: 

 "Ghost" by Justin Bieber

Youngblood thinks there's always tomorrow

I miss your touch on nights when I'm hollow

I know you crossed a bridge that I can't follow

Since the love that you left is all that I get

I want you to know

That if I can't be close to you

I'll settle for the ghost of you

I miss you more than life (more than life)

And if you can't be next to me

Your memory is ecstasy

I miss you more than life

I miss you more than life

Youngblood thinks there's always tomorrow (woo)

I need more time but time can't be borrowed

I'd leave it all behind if I could follow

Since the love that you left is all that I get

I want you to know

That if I can't be close to you

I'll settle for the ghost of you

I miss you more than life (more than life), yeah

And if you can't be next to me

Your memory is ecstasy (oh)

I miss you more than life

I miss you more than life

Whoa

Na, na-na

More than life

Oh

So if I can't get close to you

I'll settle for the ghost of you

But I miss you more than life

And if you can't be next to me

Your memory is ecstasy

I miss you more than life

I miss you more than life

Source: LyricFind

"Say You Won't Let Go" byJames Arthur

I met you in the dark, you lit me up
You made me feel as though I was enough
We danced the night away, we drank too much
I held your hair back when
You were throwing up

Then you smiled over your shoulder
For a minute, I was stone-cold sober
I pulled you closer to my chest
And you asked me to stay over
I said, I already told ya
I think that you should get some rest

I knew I loved you then
But you'd never know
'Cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go
I know I needed you
But I never showed
But I wanna stay with you until we're grey and old
Just say you won't let go
Just say you won't let go

I'll wake you up with some breakfast in bed
I'll bring you coffee with a kiss on your head
And I'll take the kids to school
Wave them goodbye
And I'll thank my lucky stars for that night

When you looked over your shoulder
For a minute, I forget that I'm older
I wanna dance with you right now
Oh, and you look as beautiful as ever
And I swear that everyday you'll get better
You make me feel this way somehow

I'm so in love with you
And I hope you know
Darling, your love is more than worth its weight in gold
We've come so far, my dear
Look how we've grown
And I wanna stay with you until we're grey and old
Just say you won't let go
Just say you won't let go

I wanna live with you
Even when we're ghosts
'Cause you were always there for me when I needed you most

I'm gonna love you 'til
My lungs give out
I promise 'til death we part like in our vows
So I wrote this song for you, now everybody knows
That it's just you and me 'til we're grey and old
Just say you won't let go
Just say you won't let go

Just say you won't let go
Oh, just say you won't let go

Source: LyricFind

Sharing Memories

 A friend today told me found a quarter on her chair when she stood up yesterday. I told her that Steve had probably left it there. She asked why and I told her about how many he has left for me and in some of the places. She said it made sense for me to get them but she wasn't sure why he would leave her one. But then she said she was talking to her daughter about a memory of him. 

She shared a time that we played cards and were trying to learn to play Euchre and how confusing the jacks were. That was also the night that he asked the rest of us if our cards smelled like green apple. We all said no.  Come to find out it was the scent of the soap in the bathroom and he had washed his hands so it wasn't the cards after all. 

Anyway, the point is, I love hearing stories and bringing up memories of Steve. Sometimes they make me sad but it's nice to know that others think of him and miss him too. Please continue to share memories with others of people we have lost so we all know they are never forgotten. 

Emilie and Steve

I attended a conference and two of the lead presenters were named Emily and Steve. The other presenter kept saying things like, "if you need more information reach out to Emily and Steve", "Emily and Steve will be sharing resources with you", "Thank you to Steve and Emily for arranging this", etc. 

It's been a long time since I have heard that.

Brought me a smile and a little sadness. 

I commented to a co-worker about it and she said that it had already been two years. I corrected her and said that it was four in December. She said how hard it was to believe. I agree that some days, yes, and other days it seems like last week. 

Time is a funny thing.

what path will you take?

Here is what I wrote after listening to today's reflection about a poem/autobiography by Portia Nelson:

Choosing to move forward with life was very hard, it is hard. But it's made so much of a difference in me. Sometimes what seems so hard is just a lesson to choose another sidewalk if one is full of holes or has been closed. God closed the street of my marriage when Steve passed away. He forced me to choose another path. I'm still on my journey. I can turn around and see the other path. I can see all the paths I chose or were chosen for me but I can also look ahead and see the next path that's available to me. It's scary to leave the familiar path with the people in the places I'm familiar with but it's an option to always go back in my memories and relive the moments. Looking a different direction opens up possibilities I never knew existed. Move forward and when you get to a crossroads, spend time in the moments of the path you've been on and then choose a new one to continue your journey.