What Helped Me Heal and Be Okay (part 3 medication)

I remember sitting at the doctor's office with one of my boys trying to figure out how we could help them heal and what needed to happen next when the doctor asked me how I was doing. I told him that I was doing okay. He told me I wasn't. He told me that maybe I needed some medication to help me with the depression that I was experiencing. He assured me that I didn't have to do it long-term but it could help. 

I felt that my faith, therapy and other things that I was doing for myself were enough and that I was supposed to feel overwhelmed, anxious, tired and depressed because I was grieving. I didn't have to feel that way. I can grieve and at the same time feel relaxed and rested. I could have energy and sleep well. I could feel in control of my body while deeply missing Steve and feeling hurt and scared and worried.

Starting to take a low dose antidepressant was one of the best things I did. I took it for about 5 months and then weaned myself off of it knowing that at any point I could go back on if I was back to feeling the way I had. I realized that I took medication for all kinds of other things that happened in my body such as allergies and arthritis I know many people that take an antidepressant or an anti-anxiety medication everyday and without it could not function.

I was lucky that the first medication I was prescribed worked for me. I know that that is not always the case.

One of the therapist I was talking to wrote this as an email and blog post: 

"It’s totally normal to hesitate when you’re thinking about putting psychotropic drugs in your bod. Believe me, I get it.

I also want to clarify (before we get too far) that this post in no way takes the place of meeting with a therapist and/or doctor or psychiatrist in your area. I can’t help you make the decision whether or you not you should take meds for your anxiety – only your personal treatment team can do that. Just sayin 

What I can do, however, is give you a few things to consider to help make those meetings a little more efficient. AKA, I can help you think things through a bit ahead of meeting with your therapist or doctor so that you feel you are making an informed decision that is 100% in your best interest.

TAKING MEDICATION FOR ANXIETY DOESN’T “MEAN” ANYTHING ABOUT YOU

I wanted to start with this one because it is SO near and dear to my heart. So many of my clients (especially parents of my teenage clients) are quick to ascribe meaning to beginning a medication for anxiety. By that I mean that they are wary of medication for themselves or their child because the story they are telling themselves around medication is:

“I’m a failure.”

“I should be able to handle this without taking drugs.”

“I’m a bad mom.”

“I’m dependent on drugs.”

“Our family doesn’t do that.”

“It will change my personality.”

Those thoughts and feelings mostly have to do with the stigma associated with anxiety, medication, and mental health issues in general. Although we have made major progress in this area, by and large, people still feel that taking medication means something about them, beyond that they are trying a new and healthy way to cope. In fact, I would argue that self-medicating for anxiety by over or under eating, alcohol, working too much, working out too much, gambling, or other habit-forming coping are waaay more harmful than taking a prescription for anxiety under a doctor’s care. Yet many people choose these methods over medication, which is simply continuing in their choice to suffer through their anxiety. Which leads me to point number two…

TAKING MEDICATION FOR ANXIETY CAN REDUCE YOUR SUFFERING AND HELP YOU ACCESS COPING SKILLS

When someone comes to me and they are so anxious that they are suffering, I usually advise them to see a doctor for a medication evaluation. What do I mean by suffering? I mean, if someone is telling me their struggles of late and I sense that they feel so overwhelmed they can’t possibly access the coping skills I would recommend to them, that’s a good time to see a doctor. My friends, it’s 2020 – if I’m trying to get someone to engage in cognitive behavioral therapy with me (the BEST non-medical intervention for anxiety), and they simply CANNOT, because their anxious thoughts are out of control, then for me to keep suggesting the same coping skills over and over would be foolish. And not helpful. Anxiety medication, when properly prescribed, is meant to be taken for a short time to help someone access therapeutic coping skills that once learned, will last a lifetime. This is also reason number 23929 I recommend that anyone taking any type of medication for anxiety also see a therapist regularly. Medicine isn’t a cure-all, easy button. I mean, it would be awesome if it was, but it’s not. I look at medicine as ONE coping skill of many that a client can put in their toolbox.

TAKING MEDICATION FOR ANXIETY ISN’T A LIFE SENTENCE

That said, most anxiety meds aren’t meant to be taken forever. This is why it’s imperative you take psychotropic medication under a doctor’s care, preferably a psychiatrist, as they are specifically trained in the nuance of each type of psychotropic medication…which is very, VERY helpful, since there are so many to choose from these days. For most people, cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness, and other modalities of treatment work even BETTER than anxiety. That’s why I created my course, Fear Less – to teach the same anxiety reducing skills I use with clients in my office! These are the tried and true (and evidence based!) techniques that therapists rely on time and time again to help their clients reduce anxiety and increase their peace. So if you’re worried about trying medication, just remember – you likely won’t be taking it forever. You’ll work with your doctor (and therapist!) over time to decide when and if you should lower your dose or come off your medication altogether.

THERE IS NO “ONE SIZE FITS ALL” RIGHT MEDICATION FOR EVERYONE

This probably goes without saying, but I like to dot my i’s and cross my t’s. Just because your Aunt Bertha loves Lexapro doesn’t mean it’s right for you. Just because your husband has seen amazing results from Zoloft doesn’t mean you will, too. Try to let go of any preconceived notions you may have about certain medications and trust your treatment team to get it right for YOU.

THERE ARE WAYS TO DEAL WITH ANXIETY WITHOUT MEDICATION, SHOULD YOU DECIDE IT’S NOT RIGHT FOR YOU

I mentioned this earlier, but it’s worth stating again. Medication for anxiety isn’t the right choice for everyone. I firmly believe MOST anxiety can be dealt with using CBT, DBT, and mindfulness techniques. Don’t feel pressured to take or shy away from medication – you are in control of your own mental health, and whatever you choose is ok."

Cathleen Bearse, is an amazing woman; licensed social worker; wife;  bio, adopted and foster mom; and blogger/podcaster. More about her can be found at fearlessfostering.com. 

What Helped Me Heal and Be Okay (part 2 Faith)

(I'm breaking down each of the things that helped me heal into its own posts so that It didn't get too long.)

My faith is one of the biggest things that has kept me going and helped me heal.

I know and believe that God created each one of us according to his plan. We will never know what that plan is and we need to be okay with that and trust that it's meant to be and whatever happens will be okay.

When Steve and I got married we planned to celebrate our 25th anniversary and our 50th and maybe even our 60th. We worked hard at our marriage so we could be together and be a good example for our boys. We were faithful. We loved each other. We were in love. We had our struggles and our arguments. We were best friends, lovers and parents together. We knew we would be together until death did us part. I never expected to only make it 20 years together as husband and wife.

I truly 100% believe that God gave us the time we needed to be together. As hard as it is parenting alone, I know that we built the foundation together and I am meant to continue building it by myself. I know Steve watches over each and every one of us everyday. He is here, he is there, he is everywhere.

My faith tells me that there is a heaven. Heaven is a place without pain and without sorrow. Heaven is another place that you get to do the work that God has chosen you for. I believe I will meet Steve again when I get to heaven.

One of the best pieces of advice I heard was to tell God when you're angry with him or confused by his plan. This was very hard for me but I realized that God knows all of my thoughts and what is in my heart. He knows I was mad that he took Steve away from his family. He knows I was confused about how I was to be a single mom. I prayed through these things. It's okay to feel all these emotions and more.

Continuing my faith,  I write in a journal and three things I am grateful for and a sentence or two that I hear God telling me every morning. I read a devotional. I usually journal my thoughts worries and questions and end with a written short prayer. When I have trouble falling asleep, I send a prayer or listen to a rosary recording.

Being in the church that we grew upin, were married in and had our children baptized in is still really hard sometimes. I don't always feel as close to God in the church building as I do standing on the shores of Lake Superior. My boys have struggled with their faith and I know that God will continue to guide them and watch over them.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

"Be still and know that I am God."

"I have prepared a place for you."

What Helped Me Heal and Be Okay (part 1)

Today should be our 24th wedding  anniversary and we should be doing something together. But he's not here. I am.

I've been reflecting on how I have healed and how I am feeling okay. I don't want to grieve today. 

Looking back I know that many things helped me get to the place I am. My faith was a huge part and still continues to be. I took an antidepressant for a while. I saw a few different therapists/counselors. I journaled, created this blog and wrote a book. I learned a lot about who I am and where I want to be. I set boundaries and am trying to focus on my needs. I did a lot of self-care activities on either a weekly or monthly routine. Careful my emotional spiritual and physical body. Most recently I started a new relationship.

I know there is not one thing that will help every person but hopefully by sharing my story someone else will be able to heal, move forward and be okay with being okay.

We know you'd be here if heaven wasn't so far away

My son is getting married in a few weeks on the three and a half year anniversary of Steve's death,  a couple weeks before what would have been our 24th wedding anniversary and on a day they will make their own. 

 In searching through Pinterest for different ideas of reception decorations and readings for the ceremony we came across a painted palette that said "we'd know you'd be here if heaven wasn't so far away" and then it had pictures of loved ones that had passed away. This is something my future daughter-in-law has talked about doing for Steve as well as her aunt.

Today it is hit me really hard that I will be attending this wedding without Steve by my side. I truly believe he is definitely watching over us everyday and will be more than present on the day of their wedding but I feel like there's something missing like there's a hole.

I know I will have a ton of support from others that are also missing Steve and many other people that will not be with us either because they have passed away or because of this pandemic doesn't allow travel or being with other people but there's a part of me that wonders about being the mother of the groom without the father of the groom.

I am looking forward to being a big part of their day and getting to share in their love, seeing lots and lots of friends and family, getting to eat good food and spend the evening dancing while watching them do all the traditional things like exchanging thousand rings and cutting into cake. 

I worry about how to balance that joy with the grief; how much to express my emotions and to who?

Single Parenting

Dealing with the loss and the grief was one thing and I believe I found my way through it and I'm able to cope with those feelings as they still come up now. The biggest struggle is being a single parent. Not having somebody to toss ideas around with or having somebody to have your back when you try to do something hard. I know I have support from family and friends but it's different having another parent.

I have been trying to get my youngest to be awake and do school work during the day. I struggled to get him out of bed this morning and when I came downstairs in tears, my middle one said to me, "It's not your fault. No one expects us to be okay. It's only been 3 years."

He's right. We all grieve differently and in a different time frame. But I do feel that society thinks we should be okay and we should be able to do the daily routine things like school and work. Being in a global pandemic also doesn't help with keeping routines and receiving support.

I trust that God put me here in this time frame to be the best mom I can be and I'm working on that. 

a note from a reader

With the money I make from the sales of paperbacks and e-books I've been donating books to others that are grieving,  especially widows. I received a note from someone who had read my book. Her husband passed away 2 months ago. They also had three boys. However he was in his 80s and they had been married for 57 years.

Here is part of what her note said: "Thank you for sharing your poignant book on grieving with me. I found it quite therapeutic. I started journaling as well, but it tended to be more mundane things like daily activities and meal prep. After reading your entries, I have moved on to (joyless) grieving notations. Your Bible references were also a great comfort for me. As other widows have told me "things don't get better they just get different". It sounds as if you and your sons are gradually moving on. Keep putting one foot ahead of the other. I'll keep you all in my prayers."

When she brought me this note, she asked me how I was doing and when I told her that I was doing really well, she told me that that gave her hope. I pray that I am able to help others by sharing my story.

There are still hard times and there always will be but I also have found it to be therapeutic to focus on the joy each day. I thank God every morning for giving me the life he has and pray that he continues to bless me on this journey.

3 years and also 3 months

It's weird how time works. In some ways it seems like Steve has been gone for so long and in other ways I feel like I saw him yesterday. It's been 3 years since he left this earth and started watching over us. 

It seems like we've gotten grip on the new normal... not having him at dinner, not making him coffee in the morning, not getting any hugs, making decisions on my own and being okay without him here.

My new normal now includes a new person as well. It's been 3 months since I started seeing someone. I spent a lot of time this past week feeling weird. I was in a space where I wanted to be with Chris but also really missing Steve. I know Steve and I would still be together if he hadn't died. I also know that Steve wouldn't want me to be alone. Chris told me that It is okay to be sad and to miss him. He said that Steve left suddenly and that I've got a lot of responsibility with the boys and my house. 

I wasn't sure how I was going to spend the three year anniversary day and if it would be okay to spend it with Chris. It was. We went and visited his niece and her critter farm. It was something so different that it made the day easier.

I feel so blessed that God has given me two men to love, to be in love with and to love me. I will never forget the love that Steve and I shared and our marriage. But I'm now learning that I can keep that love and also have new love.