One year 12/19/18

One year. 365 days of grief. Hard to believe we've made it that long without you. I still expect you to be driving your truck home from school.

I feel weird today, like sad, but also some relief. Like it's going to be okay because we've come this far and are doing okay, some days even well. I feel sad knowing it's going to be a lot more years till I see you. Part of me wants to come home today to be with you and God but the other part of me needs to stay here to be with the boys, family and friends.

I chose joy as my 2019 word because I feel that it was missing from a lot of this past year. I did feel peace a lot over 2018 and everyone says I'm strong so my 2017 word must have been appropriate too.

I want love and support today but I want it every day not because it's been a year since you got to go home. I know you're happier there than you could ever have been here but I hope a part of you misses us. I hope you hesitated a teeny bit when God came for you. I hope He told you it would all be okay.

Thank you for being an amazing friend first, then husband and finally a dad. You taught us all so much and continue to do so. I know you wouldn't want us to sit around and mourn for you but you also knew me well for 25 years and know that dates are in my brain and that today would be hard.

I think I've surprised you. I think we planned that we would have enough money for me to take time off but then I would go back to work eventually. I think I've done better than either of us thought. I do worry about money but shouldn't because you said it all up so that I can live the same lifestyle we had.

I know right now you're shaking your head at me for laying in bed in tears, the amount I spent on Christmas this year and the boys for not helping around the house like you taught them, but I also feel your love. I know you are here with us even though we don't see you or hear you, except on recordings. I know you're watching over us waiting for our purpose to be fulfilled.

I worry about others and if I'm there enough for them. I want to be supportive of others grief but it's like I have a measuring cup and I only have so much to give to grief and I give a huge majority of it to myself and then the boys and there's not much left to give anyone else after that but it bothers me sometimes. I know this is really hard for so many people, the 700 people that came to your funeral and the hundreds that didn't or couldn't. I know they're hurting too and I don't know how to help them. I don't know if I should stop by and see those locally, if I should text or call those away from here because I know everyone wants to know how I'm doing and take care of me too. My heart breaks thinking of your family and friends and your colleagues, members of the church in the community.

Keep watching over us. I can hear you say "Suck it up buttercup" and also that you're good. I'm so happy you're not in pain anymore and that you don't feel old like you did when you were here. I'm so happy you experienced the ultimate joy every day.

I love you.
I miss you.

Garth Brooks

Last night I went to a Garth Brooks tribute band concert. Ahead of time I was thinking of the different Garth Brooks songs that I remember from many years ago when that's what I listened to.

I didn't remember the song titled "If Tomorrow Never Comes". So the song starts and the tears start the same time. And while they're singing I realize that I did know. The song asks that if tomorrow never comes will she know how much I love her. And I do know how much Steve loved me. I know that he still loves me.

Then they play the song "The Dance". In this song he talks about how sometimes things happen and they are not good things, or fun things or things you want to happen, but in the end if you didn't have those things happen you would have missed the dance.

I wouldn't go back and change anything. I would still say yes to seeing "Fern Gully". I would still say yes when he proposed on a corner in the rain. I would still say yes to having three amazing boys. I would still say yes to all of these things and accept the 25 years we had together was meant to be. And even though grief is really hard, I accept it and I'm working through it everyday knowing that I got to enjoy the dance.

Doctor

I had my annual doctor's appointment yesterday and was not prepared for them to ask any questions that we're going to be hard to answer. And not hard in that I didn't know the answer, but hard emotionally.  I didn't want to give the answers. I want to go back and answer like I did last year at my appointment.

Secretary of State

In January I also needed to go to the Secretary of State to transfer titles. I needed to do one for the truck, the boat and our camper. Our other vehicle was already in my name. I called ahead of time to see what I needed to bring with me so I was prepared or so I thought.

When I got there I realized I should have checked the titles before I brought them in. One still had our credit union listed as a lienholder, even though I had paid off the loan many years before. I needed to go to the bank and have someone sign off on it.

Each title transfer cost $15. If a vehicle was newer than 2008, I also needed to bring the mileage. I needed the plate number and/or the registration form and I had to bring a copy of the death certificate.

The new titles came in the mail within a couple weeks and this was one more thing I could cross off my list.

My advice is to look at your titles every now and then, especially if you've paid off a loan and make sure that you get that removed. It makes transferring a lot easier if you need to change owners, you were to sell it or total it.

9 month feelings

9 months today. I still don't truly believe that you're gone and not coming back or that you're not just at Camp Nesbit.

I wonder how your sixth grade team is now with Carl there and the new guy in John L's place. I'm glad Amy and John A. have each other but it's got to be hard for them and for the rest of the staff too. One of Diane's kids asked her about the bench in your honor and said that we must all be sad.

I'm not sure what I feel. Sad to not be making new memories; grateful for the memories I have and the time we did have; jealous of you being in heaven - not in pain, not feeling old, not tired; confused on why God needed you now and why you just went 9 months ago and weren't sick or anything or that you didn't die during the surgery; and lonely - being a single mom is hard and I question if I'm making the right decisions or if I'm too easy and let too much go on because they're grieving.

I don't think I'm angry.

I don't think I'm scared anymore. I was at first, scared to be alone, scared to make decisions, scared of how they feel, to cope, to go on.

But I feel better now that I realize God doesn't ever give us more than we can handle and so I tell myself that God took you home with him because he needed you to watch over the kids that he knew were coming. That He knew I could do this on my own and that I'd be okay and that through this I would get stronger, more confident, be able to help others, make okay decisions, learn new things and be okay. That I can be happy. I can laugh. I can smile and say I'm fine and mean it. That I can forget you're gone sometimes and that's okay. That the boys will be okay. God has a plan for them too and although I still don't think it's fair that they don't get to make new memories and especially Matthew, who only had 11 years,  they got enough love and teaching from you, that they'll be okay. They'll be fine. They'll be good.

God knows best and we're all here to fulfill His purpose for our lives until He takes us home too.

(After I wrote this I picked up my devotional and the verse for today was "love never fails".)

I'll be there

On my way to church this morning I decided to drive by the cemetery.

The grass needs to be cut and that would drive him crazy.

I put a post on his Facebook page saying that I'm thankful that he's watching over us. As I left, "I'll be There" by the Escape Club came on the radio.  Perfect timing.

Lyrics:
Over Mountains
Over Trees
Over Oceans
Over Seas
I'll be there

In a whisper on the wind
On the smile of a new friend
Just think of me
And I'll be there

Don't be afraid, oh my love
I'll be watching you from above
And I'd give all the world tonight,
To be with you
Because I'm on your side,
And I still care
I may have died,
But I've gone nowhere

Just think of me,
And I'll be there

On the edge of a waking dream
Over Rivers
Over Streams
Through Wind and Rain
I'll be there

Across the wide and open sky
Thousands of miles I'd fly
To be with you
I'll be there

Don't be afraid, oh my love
I'll be watching you from above
And I'd give all the world tonight,
To be with you
Because I'm on your side,
And I still care
I may have died,
But I've gone nowhere

Just think of me,
And I'll be there

In the breath of a wind that sighs
Oh, there's no need to cry

Just think of me,
And I'll be there

Steve, thank you for always being there. I know you have to be very happy there, but I sure wish you could be here in person too.

I'm struggling to go into church. It was a hard day last weekend and I'm already in tears today. I also don't think I have Kleenex in my purse. I can hear Steve say, "suck it up buttercup, I'm good" so I guess I will go in.

Perfect rewrite

My rewrite of Ed Sheeran's song "Perfect".

When I heard the song for the first time I knew it could have been "our song", it fits so perfect to the life we had: being young when we fell in love, just starting a home of ours together and raising children together. I rewrote it to make it more of what we're going through right now.

I found a love for me.

Darling, just drive right in and follow my lead. Well I was a girl, a man found me, generous and sweet. Oh I never knew he was the someone waiting for me.

Cause we were just kids when we fell in love. Not knowing it'd be short, I won't give up that time. But darling you kissed me slow, your love was all I knew and in my heart I'm holding you.

Baby I'm dancing in the dark with you still in my heart, barefoot at the cross, listening to our favorite song.

When God said it was your time, I whispered underneath my breath and he heard it, you were perfect for me.

Well I found my faith, stronger than it was before. I know my dreams, I know someday I'll be at home. I found a love, to carry more than just my secrets, to carry love, to raise children of our own.

We're not still kids but so in love, praying to our God. I know I'll be alright this time. Darling, watch me from above, I'm your girl, you'll be my man. I see my future in your arms.

Baby I'm praying at your grave, with all the tears on my face, barefoot at the cross, listening to our favorite song. When I saw you at your death, looking so peaceful, I don't deserve this, darling you looked perfect that day.

Baby I'm praying that your grave, without you here on earth, barefoot at the cross, listening to our favorite song. I have faith in God above. Now I know I've met an angel in person, and he was perfect.

I don't deserve this, you were perfect for me.