Emilie and Steve

I attended a conference and two of the lead presenters were named Emily and Steve. The other presenter kept saying things like, "if you need more information reach out to Emily and Steve", "Emily and Steve will be sharing resources with you", "Thank you to Steve and Emily for arranging this", etc. 

It's been a long time since I have heard that.

Brought me a smile and a little sadness. 

I commented to a co-worker about it and she said that it had already been two years. I corrected her and said that it was four in December. She said how hard it was to believe. I agree that some days, yes, and other days it seems like last week. 

Time is a funny thing.

what path will you take?

Here is what I wrote after listening to today's reflection about a poem/autobiography by Portia Nelson:

Choosing to move forward with life was very hard, it is hard. But it's made so much of a difference in me. Sometimes what seems so hard is just a lesson to choose another sidewalk if one is full of holes or has been closed. God closed the street of my marriage when Steve passed away. He forced me to choose another path. I'm still on my journey. I can turn around and see the other path. I can see all the paths I chose or were chosen for me but I can also look ahead and see the next path that's available to me. It's scary to leave the familiar path with the people in the places I'm familiar with but it's an option to always go back in my memories and relive the moments. Looking a different direction opens up possibilities I never knew existed. Move forward and when you get to a crossroads, spend time in the moments of the path you've been on and then choose a new one to continue your journey.

Hard time coming up?

 I got asked today about the "hard time was coming up". I guess so. It will be four years on December 19th. 

In some ways, it is hard to believe that he is not here, that I don't need to shop for a gift for under the tree, and that we have made it four years without him. But on the other hand, we have made it 4 years doing things differently while keeping some of the same traditions, we have grown and changed, and there are times that I think about him being gone and the tears do not fall.

I have my moments for sure...little things like seeing the type of Combos he liked at the gas station and bigger things like facebook memories of him hunting with the older two boys and his dad or being with my nephew he never got to meet.  But I don't cry every time the song, "Perfect" comes on the radio or when someone asks me about him or shares a memory. I have figured out how to run the household as a single mom, although the dishwasher isn't fixed. I am moving forward in my relationship with a wonderful man. My kids are changing and growing into the type of men we wanted them to be. I welcomed a daughter-in-law this summer. 

So yes, a hard time is coming up but I know we will get through it. Our track record for surviving hard days is pretty good! We will focus on the memories of the good times and traditions. We will focus on all that his life and death have taught us and how it has helped us and so many other people. 

Camper and Body Wash

Before Steve died we talked about what would happen and he always said that I would be okay financially because I would be able to have the life insurance and then would sell the truck, boat and camper.

 I have not been able to sell the truck and I think that made sense financially as well as emotionally. We had had a loan on it as it was new. I find comfort in driving his truck. We fit in it very well and it has been reliable and dependable. It took a long time before I was able to remove his fishing hat from the dash and other things that were his in the vehicle. 

My family and I decided to gift the boat to Steve's best friend as they were the two that had fished together.  His friend was the reason why our boat had as much fishing equipment as it did. We gave it to him as a Father's Day gift a couple months after Steve had passed away.

The camper sat all that first summer. Then last summer we went out in it one time. It's now sat since then. I'm not even sure we physically would be able to sleep in the camper with the boys being over 6 ft tall. I talked about selling it last year and didn't do it. I've talked about selling it this year and haven't done it. I think because this is the last big thing that needs to be dealt with, I'm really struggling. I need to take the rocking chairs and some other things out and put the slide out out to be able to take pictures so I can post it for sale. Every time I think about going and doing it I get a headache. It doesn't make any financial sense to keep it when I have to pay for storage every winter. It takes up space in our driveway and makes parking difficult. We haven't been using it and most likely will not. I worry that it's going to deteriorate or get mice or something and then another family won't be able to enjoy it as much as we did. But yet knowing all of this I can't sell it.

The other thing that I have not been able to throw away or get rid of is the bottle of body wash in the shower. The first many months after Steve died I would squirt some on the wall in the shower and lean against it and sob. I've stopped doing that but for some reason cannot remove it from the bathroom.

It's frustrating and confusing that certain items can be such a trigger.

What Helped Me Heal and Be Okay (part 7: relationship)

At about the two and a half year point I started thinking about being in a relationship with someone again. I was very scared about how to grieve, continue learning about myself, setting boundaries and following my intuition and about how to go about finding someone that wants to be with a widow and single mom of three teenage boys.

I connected with a friend's brother on Facebook. I asked if he wanted to meet and look for agates. I wasn't sure if it was a date or not. We got together and walked on the beach for three and a half hours. I tried not to talk about Steve too much but that's such a huge part of who I was, it was hard not to. But he knew Steve. He had played hockey with him when they were in middle school. We had all gone to the same church. After our time on the beach we went and had dinner together. He was willing to see me again a couple days later. I then knew it was a date. I felt very comfortable with him and it was very natural. I was super excited to see him again.

We have seen each other most days since. We have now celebrated 9 months together and I'm so in love with him. He allows me to grieve. He's always there when I need someone to talk to or to get a hug. I don't feel that me being a widow or a single mom is an issue. He lets me be who I need to be when I need to be that person. He knows that being a mom comes before him a lot of the times and is very understanding. He accepts that I have a past because he does too. Everything that happened before we got together made us who we are and has allowed us to form this relationship.

I thank God everyday for the time I had with Steve and for the time I now have with Chris. I am so blessed to have two men love me completely and accept who I am.

I told Chris yesterday that I wasn't sure what I would do today or how I would be feeling because it would have been my anniversary. He told me to do whatever I wanted to do. That is the best advice anyone can give another person no matter what the situation is, if they are grieving or not. 

Everyone needs to do what is right for them in the moment. Each person needs to find what works for them to heal. It's okay to not be okay and it's definitely okay to be okay. It is okay to be happy and loving life while still missing the people that have gone to heaven. 

What Helped Me Heal and Be Okay (part 6 body work)

One of the things I missed the most with Steve not being near physically was his hugs. I missed being able to lean against him inside of his arms and cry on his shoulder. I missed our time together as a married couple. I missed him rubbing my knee during church. I think in other types of grief you don't have that physical portion that's missing whereas when it's a spouse you lose so much. No one else can give me a hug that feels like Steve's.

I started a monthly routine shortly after Steve died I think mostly to keep myself busy but found that many parts of it were healing. I did a monthly craft night at a local pottery place. I was journaling and blog posting. I was meeting with therapists and social workers. But the other part I added in and extended was dealing with my physical body. I did eventually take medication to help my brain and the chemicals in my system.

I had already been seeing a chiropractor but committed to going every 3 weeks to keep my body aligned. My chiropractor had lost his parents when he was young. He also had worked with Steve as a football coach. It was nice to meet with somebody who understands grief as well as able to heal my physical symptoms. Spending a lot of time in my bed while grieving was not great for my back or my hips. Having chiropractic healing done helped me be able to function and walk properly. 

A friend of mine does massage and I started seeing her monthly. And although her massage was never inappropriate or sexual in nature, it was a good feeling to have someone touch my body. A massage is so much more than just the muscles being relaxed and released. Many times I sobbed through the entire massage as my body was able to grieve and let go of the emotions it was holding. She was also a good listener but let me be quiet when I needed that too.

I had seen Emily a couple of times for a massage and then she learned myofascial release. This out of everything has probably been the most beneficial for me. I still see her monthly. Myofascial release allows the layer of tissue (the fascia) that covers your body to become relaxed and unwind. There is also a huge emotional component. Grief is held in my chest and lungs and by having my body moved in different ways it allows the grief to leave my system. I was also trained in level one myofascial release technique. I have been able to do some with my boys, but the energy connection I feel with them makes it hard.

I have done acupuncture quite a few times. I don't always feel as much relief when I leave the appointment as I do with some of the other forms but it has been helpful. One day I went and had been crying for multiple days off and on. After the treatment I was unable to cry and it was great to feel that way for a few days.

I've tried to space things out so that I was getting some physical touch or something to deal with my body each week. One of the things I worried about during the pandemic was how this part of my self-care was going to continue. I was able to still see these different providers and am so grateful. 

The other things that I have found very helpful in healing have been walking on the beach on the shores of Lake Superior. My family has a camp with private access. Walking along looking for agates and omars while enjoying the sunshine or sunsets is one of the most peaceful activities I can do. I find the physical movement and being by water great for my soul. I feel connected to God and my faith. I feel connections to my grandparents and Steve and others that have passed away. Being out in nature and experiencing the openness has been healing for me. 

I have moderate arthritis in both of my knees and I'm sure forming in other parts of my body. Yoga was another thing that I was doing. Sometimes I had emotional release during yoga also. Taking time to breathe and stretch my body and focus on what I was feeling helped me physically and mentally feel better. This is something that I know I need to get back to doing. Doing yin yoga through YouTube videos with friends once a week with friends is something that I miss. 

Sleep, rest and relaxation are all things that were crucial especially at the beginning. Widow's brain and not being able to focus and process information is a very real experience. Taking time to rest and just veg in front of the TV sometimes was the most healing thing to do.

What Helped Me Heal and Be Okay (part 5 therapy)

When one of my best friends died in 2010, it took me many months to realize that I needed to be speaking to somebody professional. When I told Steve that I was planning to see a counselor, he told me that it was about time. I questioned why he hadn't told me to go to someone. His answer was that until I was ready he knew it wasn't going to work. 

I started seeking a counselor very soon after Steve had passed away remembering how much it had helped after my friend had died. 

I recommend that everyone see a counselor or a therapist at some point in their life. I think it is good to have a relationship established with someone because you never know what's going to come up and when you are going to need to talk to somebody. This is another thing that does not have to be long-term but I found so helpful. I had my boys also see therapists to help with grief, anxiety, depression and being able to go to school.

I knew that if I did not make a connection with the therapist or counselor I was meeting with that it would not help me and I needed to find someone else. I did end up working with three different women for different lengths of time. Each experience was unique and gave me what I needed. I mostly sought validation of my feelings. 

I was prescribed a therapist through the hospital by my primary physician. I was able to make a connection with her and found that she listened to me and she was able to guide me to learn about what I was feeling and how to cope with grief and the other emotions I was feeling. It was in talking to her that I realized I just wanted somebody to tell me that it was okay to be okay. Everyone told me that it was okay to grieve for as long as I needed to and that there was no timeline to grief. Although I believe that is true I also believe that you can have good days and that you can be happy and experienced joy. Because you are happy does not mean that you have forgotten the person that is gone or that you don't love them anymore or that you're not still grieving. I was also able to talk with her about my job and dealing with secondary trauma related to the students I taught. I got parenting tips and ideas of things to journal about and other self-care ideas. The one thing I appreciated the most about working with her was that she wasn't grieving the loss of Steve. Everyone else in my life that I was connected to also was grieving in some way or another. It's hard to share your grief with other people when not everyone is in the same space or dealing with the same emotions at the same time.

I also joined a group called Self Care Bestie. Cathleen Bearse is a licensed social worker who had a Facebook group and also offered monthly sessions with her. Because we live in different states I was able to do phone calls with her. She put together a course called Fearless which dealt with anxiety. I find anxiety a large part of grief. There were many things to worry about especially around parenting and finances. She offered multiple techniques and validated how I was feeling and the things that I was doing. She made me feel what I was experiencing was normal and that I was okay and going to be okay. Cathleen gave ideas about cognitive behavior therapy, breathing exercises, meditations guided and not, and journal prompts. I think she helped me realize that I was a good mom and that I was going to continue to be a good mom.

After attending 6 weeks of meditation I started personal sessions with a spiritual healer. Most of the session is counseling and talking through what I'm experiencing and then there is time for quiet healing. Almost every time during the healing portion I was able to meditate and connect with God. One time, I experienced being in the garden of Gethsemane before Christ was crucified. It was so peaceful and I was able to hear Christ telling God that he would follow his plan even though he didn't want to.  Through her style of guidance, I was able to learn more about who I am and the roles I play. I have learned about setting boundaries and allowing my body to experience what it needs to and to listen to my intuition and do what I felt led to do regardless of how others were going to feel or be affected.

The other people that I have in my life are my best friends. Although most of them are not licensed therapists or social workers, talking with them has been so helpful. One friend and I try to get together weekly for a half an hour just to share what's going on in our lives. Another friend and I get together once a month and spend a couple hours together. A friend that lives far away and I try connect on the phone. Sometimes conversations with them is hard because of the connection with Steve.