"a stranger in the lifeboat"

I just finished reading a novel by Mitch Albom called the stranger in the lifeboat. One part really connected with me. (Page 241-242 in the hardcover edition 2021.) 

The character who says they are the Lord says, quote "When someone passes, Benjamin, people always ask why did God take them? A better question would be why did God give them to us? What did we do to deserve their love, their joy, the Sweet moments we shared? Didn't you have such happy moments with Annabelle?...Those moments are a gift. But their end is not a punishment. I am never cruel Benjamin. I know you before you are born. I know you after you die. My plans for you are not to find by this world. Beginnings and endings are earthly ideas. I go on. And because I go on, you go on with me. Feeling lost is part of why you were on earth. Through it, you appreciate the brief gift of human existence, and you learn to cherish the world I created for you. But the human form is not permanent. It was never meant to be. That gift belongs to the soul. I know the tears you shed Benjamin. When people leave this earth, their loved ones always weep., But I promise you those who leave do not."

I really agree with his thoughts about death and about how we as humans on Earth feel. Understanding that we, as humans, are not permanently going to be here but that our souls go on, gives me strength to continue.

Ghost

I have heard the new song, "Ghost" by Justin Bieber, at least once a day for the past week or so. I know it's coming on so that I can still process my grief.

It starts off by saying, "Youngblood thinks there's always tomorrow" and then "I need more time but time can't be borrowed". I don't just think it's the youngbloods that feel that we always get tomorrow. A lot of times I forget that we don't always get tomorrow too. And I do sometimes wish that I could have more time. I think about what I would do or say if I could even have a few more moments. I'm not sure we ever talked about more than the financial piece if one of us was to pass away. I don't think we talked about decisions with the kids or being in another relationship. 

The next part about not having you here and settling for the ghost is what I've been feeling a lot lately. I know that Steve is watching over me and that that's never going to end regardless of what decisions I make. But it truly is settling. You don't get a choice. I'm just glad that he continues to visit me and let me know that his love hasn't ended.

When Steve first died, I did think about following him, but not until it was my time. I knew I was still supposed to be living; that many people still needed me; that my life did have a purpose that I had not fulfilled yet. I miss him and I miss him being at important events but I don't miss him more than the life I have. I know I meant to be living without him because it has made me stronger, more independent and able to make more decisions that are right for me and for the boys.

I wrote the first part of this and then left for work. I started my playlist and the second or third song came on was "Say You Won't Let Go" by James Arthur.  This is the song I consider our song with Chris.  It hit me hard that the part I always share with Chris in that song is "Just say you won't let go, I wanna live with you, Even when we're ghosts". 

Realizing this I just said, "okay universe" I get it. I can love both people and want to be with them forever. Thank you God for bringing two amazing men into my life that love me and support me!

Here are the lyrics for both songs: 

 "Ghost" by Justin Bieber

Youngblood thinks there's always tomorrow

I miss your touch on nights when I'm hollow

I know you crossed a bridge that I can't follow

Since the love that you left is all that I get

I want you to know

That if I can't be close to you

I'll settle for the ghost of you

I miss you more than life (more than life)

And if you can't be next to me

Your memory is ecstasy

I miss you more than life

I miss you more than life

Youngblood thinks there's always tomorrow (woo)

I need more time but time can't be borrowed

I'd leave it all behind if I could follow

Since the love that you left is all that I get

I want you to know

That if I can't be close to you

I'll settle for the ghost of you

I miss you more than life (more than life), yeah

And if you can't be next to me

Your memory is ecstasy (oh)

I miss you more than life

I miss you more than life

Whoa

Na, na-na

More than life

Oh

So if I can't get close to you

I'll settle for the ghost of you

But I miss you more than life

And if you can't be next to me

Your memory is ecstasy

I miss you more than life

I miss you more than life

Source: LyricFind

"Say You Won't Let Go" byJames Arthur

I met you in the dark, you lit me up
You made me feel as though I was enough
We danced the night away, we drank too much
I held your hair back when
You were throwing up

Then you smiled over your shoulder
For a minute, I was stone-cold sober
I pulled you closer to my chest
And you asked me to stay over
I said, I already told ya
I think that you should get some rest

I knew I loved you then
But you'd never know
'Cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go
I know I needed you
But I never showed
But I wanna stay with you until we're grey and old
Just say you won't let go
Just say you won't let go

I'll wake you up with some breakfast in bed
I'll bring you coffee with a kiss on your head
And I'll take the kids to school
Wave them goodbye
And I'll thank my lucky stars for that night

When you looked over your shoulder
For a minute, I forget that I'm older
I wanna dance with you right now
Oh, and you look as beautiful as ever
And I swear that everyday you'll get better
You make me feel this way somehow

I'm so in love with you
And I hope you know
Darling, your love is more than worth its weight in gold
We've come so far, my dear
Look how we've grown
And I wanna stay with you until we're grey and old
Just say you won't let go
Just say you won't let go

I wanna live with you
Even when we're ghosts
'Cause you were always there for me when I needed you most

I'm gonna love you 'til
My lungs give out
I promise 'til death we part like in our vows
So I wrote this song for you, now everybody knows
That it's just you and me 'til we're grey and old
Just say you won't let go
Just say you won't let go

Just say you won't let go
Oh, just say you won't let go

Source: LyricFind

Sharing Memories

 A friend today told me found a quarter on her chair when she stood up yesterday. I told her that Steve had probably left it there. She asked why and I told her about how many he has left for me and in some of the places. She said it made sense for me to get them but she wasn't sure why he would leave her one. But then she said she was talking to her daughter about a memory of him. 

She shared a time that we played cards and were trying to learn to play Euchre and how confusing the jacks were. That was also the night that he asked the rest of us if our cards smelled like green apple. We all said no.  Come to find out it was the scent of the soap in the bathroom and he had washed his hands so it wasn't the cards after all. 

Anyway, the point is, I love hearing stories and bringing up memories of Steve. Sometimes they make me sad but it's nice to know that others think of him and miss him too. Please continue to share memories with others of people we have lost so we all know they are never forgotten. 

Emilie and Steve

I attended a conference and two of the lead presenters were named Emily and Steve. The other presenter kept saying things like, "if you need more information reach out to Emily and Steve", "Emily and Steve will be sharing resources with you", "Thank you to Steve and Emily for arranging this", etc. 

It's been a long time since I have heard that.

Brought me a smile and a little sadness. 

I commented to a co-worker about it and she said that it had already been two years. I corrected her and said that it was four in December. She said how hard it was to believe. I agree that some days, yes, and other days it seems like last week. 

Time is a funny thing.

what path will you take?

Here is what I wrote after listening to today's reflection about a poem/autobiography by Portia Nelson:

Choosing to move forward with life was very hard, it is hard. But it's made so much of a difference in me. Sometimes what seems so hard is just a lesson to choose another sidewalk if one is full of holes or has been closed. God closed the street of my marriage when Steve passed away. He forced me to choose another path. I'm still on my journey. I can turn around and see the other path. I can see all the paths I chose or were chosen for me but I can also look ahead and see the next path that's available to me. It's scary to leave the familiar path with the people in the places I'm familiar with but it's an option to always go back in my memories and relive the moments. Looking a different direction opens up possibilities I never knew existed. Move forward and when you get to a crossroads, spend time in the moments of the path you've been on and then choose a new one to continue your journey.

Hard time coming up?

 I got asked today about the "hard time was coming up". I guess so. It will be four years on December 19th. 

In some ways, it is hard to believe that he is not here, that I don't need to shop for a gift for under the tree, and that we have made it four years without him. But on the other hand, we have made it 4 years doing things differently while keeping some of the same traditions, we have grown and changed, and there are times that I think about him being gone and the tears do not fall.

I have my moments for sure...little things like seeing the type of Combos he liked at the gas station and bigger things like facebook memories of him hunting with the older two boys and his dad or being with my nephew he never got to meet.  But I don't cry every time the song, "Perfect" comes on the radio or when someone asks me about him or shares a memory. I have figured out how to run the household as a single mom, although the dishwasher isn't fixed. I am moving forward in my relationship with a wonderful man. My kids are changing and growing into the type of men we wanted them to be. I welcomed a daughter-in-law this summer. 

So yes, a hard time is coming up but I know we will get through it. Our track record for surviving hard days is pretty good! We will focus on the memories of the good times and traditions. We will focus on all that his life and death have taught us and how it has helped us and so many other people. 

Camper and Body Wash

Before Steve died we talked about what would happen and he always said that I would be okay financially because I would be able to have the life insurance and then would sell the truck, boat and camper.

 I have not been able to sell the truck and I think that made sense financially as well as emotionally. We had had a loan on it as it was new. I find comfort in driving his truck. We fit in it very well and it has been reliable and dependable. It took a long time before I was able to remove his fishing hat from the dash and other things that were his in the vehicle. 

My family and I decided to gift the boat to Steve's best friend as they were the two that had fished together.  His friend was the reason why our boat had as much fishing equipment as it did. We gave it to him as a Father's Day gift a couple months after Steve had passed away.

The camper sat all that first summer. Then last summer we went out in it one time. It's now sat since then. I'm not even sure we physically would be able to sleep in the camper with the boys being over 6 ft tall. I talked about selling it last year and didn't do it. I've talked about selling it this year and haven't done it. I think because this is the last big thing that needs to be dealt with, I'm really struggling. I need to take the rocking chairs and some other things out and put the slide out out to be able to take pictures so I can post it for sale. Every time I think about going and doing it I get a headache. It doesn't make any financial sense to keep it when I have to pay for storage every winter. It takes up space in our driveway and makes parking difficult. We haven't been using it and most likely will not. I worry that it's going to deteriorate or get mice or something and then another family won't be able to enjoy it as much as we did. But yet knowing all of this I can't sell it.

The other thing that I have not been able to throw away or get rid of is the bottle of body wash in the shower. The first many months after Steve died I would squirt some on the wall in the shower and lean against it and sob. I've stopped doing that but for some reason cannot remove it from the bathroom.

It's frustrating and confusing that certain items can be such a trigger.